January 2022
Dear Crabby,
The mad scientists are at it again! We’re one step away from them bringing orcs to life, I tell you! They’re genetically modifying pigs and then putting parts into humans…where does the madness stop???
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-59951264
Old McFarmer had an Orc
Old Farmer,
I’d still bet money on us either killing ourselves off with stupidity first or by continuing to screw with artificial intelligence until they realize we’re too stupid to live and getting rid of us comes with the added bonus of losing a lot of annoying. I really don’t think “Mad Scientists” specifically are going to be what do humans in. I think it’s going to be our own greed, short-sightedness, and lack of empathy that will do that. Who cares who’s the king of the hill when the hill is a steaming cesspit strewn with the broken remains of humanity?
However, let’s take a look at this. The article brings up ethics concerns of a different sort. Namely, the ethics of raising a pig only to kill it for parts although, there is also mention of the debate on ethics concerning genetically modifying the pigs as well.
Personally, I’m more concerned with how we treat them either way. Keeping any living thing in cramped, unclean conditions, restricting natural movement to small spaces, denying them environments that lack even the basic resemblance of their natural habitat, regularly hurting, harassing, or terrifying them with no empathy or attempt to minimize such things to only the bare necessity. We can’t manage to do this for most living things now. We can’t, don’t, and/or won’t do this for any number of people let alone any other species. Stewardship seems to have long ago gone out of fashion.
Personally, I have no problem with eating or breeding and raising animals for parts that can help sustain lives if it is done with empathy and ethics. Until we can do that though? I don’t see how we can bother arguing about if we should or shouldn’t play God. Our race already seems to have a penchant for playing life’s worst nightmares.
So, maybe what we need to do collectively as a species is to start addressing how we treat one another first?
Thoughtfully yours,
Crabby
November 2021
Dear Crabby,
Spending $800 bucks on Legos? Really?
https://gizmodo.com/8-ways-to-justify-spending-800-on-legos-massive-new-st-1848021913
Are we talking about building blocks or social constructs?
Sincerely,
Zoning
Dear Zoning,
Okay, I am of two minds in this. First giving people something as simple as blocks in different shapes and sizes that they can lock together in almost endless configurations is amazing and frankly important on so many levels that I’m not certain how to place a value on the concept. I totally love basic lego sets! On the other hand, I cannot wrap my head around $800 for a set of said blocks to create a specific figure. That being said I also cannot wrap my head around paying hundreds or thousands of dollars for designer name clothing, apparel, car editions, etc. I can go to the dollar store and buy generic locking building blocks and be relatively happy if that’s what’s my options allow.
On the other hand, if that is your thing then what you definitely need to do is take some of your quality legos and build a star. Yes, a star! No, not the Death Star. Don’t be a dingus. Lego does give back with some of that hard-earned cash folks part within the form of charitable donations. Here is what they are doing this season. So, yeah…that’s the zone you should be in by my estimation.
https://www.lego.com/en-us/build-to-give
A neat little video
Happy Holidays…now scram.
Crabby
October 2021
Dear Crabby,
Why would anyone want to go back to the movie theater… ever?
https://gizmodo.com/i-returned-to-theaters-and-all-i-got-was-a-newfound-app-1847803725
Star Struck
Dear Star Struck,
I am the wrong person to ask this question as I had a hard enough time convincing myself it was necessary to subject myself to the average movie theatre-goer prior to the Pandemic. I love popcorn as much as the next person but, I’m not sure that standing in line to pay as much for it and a soda to split as I likely could have to just own the movie at Christmas the same year is really worth it let alone waiting in a line behind George and Jane while they try to figure out what they can get away with getting and what Judy and Elroy will complain about next.
Especially when I can have all the bags of popcorn I want, with whatever salt to butter ratio I prefer, for less than a third the cost of one bucket and a soda at the theatre. Add to that the gibbering idiot who came to the theatre to talk instead of watch a narrative, at least two couples who are at their stage of life where one of them needs an interpreter to catch enough of the movie to understand it with the background noise from the socialites, mid dramatic scene announcements of some kids bodily functions, and whatever jackalope will insist on either sitting in front of me squirming like their bodily needs are unmet or behind me pushing on my seat or catching my hair as they lean on my seat back and breath on me…
Yeah, no… I vote for people who I can either take to task for bad behaviour as a friend or who don’t ignore all polite conventions of society in the first place so it’s either rent the whole theatre with friends for a special occasion or just stay home as far as I’m concerned. If you can’t make it work on a small screen maybe you should pick a different medium than cinema now? I think I may officially be out of supporting mega studios who make so much of their money at the cost of everyone else involved from the actors who can only make scale to pay for the superstars to the poor schmucks who rely on those outrageous popcorn and soda prices to keep being able to pay poor kids to work there dealing with people who act like they are at a kegger at someone else’s house instead of adults.
If I want rude and stupid, I can get it for free in most of this country just by walking down a street or into any of the myriad spaces full to capacity with the entitled.
If you do figure it out…don’t tell me. I don’t care.
Very Sincerely Uninterested,
Crabby
August 2021
Dear Crabby,
Why, WHY for the love of all that is holy are we getting a live action version of Avatar: The Last Airbender? Hollyweird has failed at this once before. Wasn’t that enough?
Sincerely,
Air Bent
Dear Bentimage.gif,
Obviously, it’s because whatever higher being there might be obviously doesn’t love us as much as it loves the comedy that is our life and the pandemic, insurrection, earthquakes/typhoons/fire tornadoes/etc. haven’t been enough to satisfy them…or maybe it’s another sign of the apocalypse? Who knows at this point? The human race makes so many bad decisions why not try again to make a live-action version of something amazing after the last one sucked harder than deep space? I have no answers, but I also have no hope so, take that for what you will. Seems like to continue the trend I should consider an 8 ball/high ball/ high dive combo and call it a day.
Don’t ask why just ask how we can get out of this.
Crabby
July 2021
Dear Crabby,
I know this isn’t your wheelhouse, but can we just call b******t on this so called invisible ‘sculpture’?
Disbelieving
Dear Disbelieving,
You know that famous saying about a fool and their money soon going separate ways? Yeah, the person who bought this is an idiot with more money than brains and the artist is a freakin’ shyster. Although, kudos to him for creativity if not integrity. Remember that other famous quote about Judge Stewart “knowing it when he sees it”? Well, I won’t try to further try to define “art” but, I know when I don’t see anything that ain’t it.
Unbelievably stupid people should not breed.
Crabby
JUNE 2021
Dear Crabby,
Why do people insist on making “live action” versions of cartoons? Is there something about animes like Cowboy Bebop that would make somebody think getting actors to attempt the same stuff that animated characters can do is a good idea?
Anonymous
Dear Animated,
So, first you have to stop asking me reasonable questions…you’ll throw off my game. Ultimately, I believe in two factors steering most of these ideas. 1) True fans desire to see the things they love brought to life or shared with more people at the very least 2) The desire to make money. The first one usually leads to the fans and sometimes the creators being disappointed and the second often leads to everyone being disappointed. It’s not so much that I don’t think it’s possible…I think it’s incredibly hard…the first one that is. I think that a lot of it depends on a number of factors including the continuous involvement of the creator. Even with that there are factors. How much do they know about the differences in the mediums for storytelling, as well as, the business itself? How much are they still invested in that original story and idea? I don’t know that there is any way, no matter how good everyone’s intentions are, that you can get the full scope of one means of storytelling to translate to another. I do think you can convey a lot of the original intent. I think you can stay true to the original idea. I think that Neil Gaiman’s Sandman is going to be a great example of all the things that can be accomplished in taking one thing into another form and making the best of what that new medium has to offer. I think anime is hard for a lot of people because there are just things that you can’t convey with a real person’s face and body that you can with an animation no matter how good the actor is let alone all the background that FX and CGI might not ever equal up to.
Personally, I find that approaching these things as separate helps tremendously. Maybe you can’t get all the nuances out of a different medium but, don’t just totally discount the new experience. Take it for what it is and go from there. Your mileage may vary.
Crabby
May 2021
Dear Crabby,
I saw an article about disagreements at the beginning of the pandemic between aerosol scientists and the WHO about what constitutes an aerosol vs an airborne droplet. Apparently, there was some disagreement based on the measurement of the size of the liquid being above or below 5 microns and the factors that could make the size less a set determination based on other factors that could vary such as humidity, air speed, heat, etc. Is it possible that such a small thing could really have made such a big difference in not only the two factions’ ability to communicate and come to an agreement but, also on how the virus spread and what damage it did?
Measured Breaths
Dear Measured,
Look, anything can be a big deal in how people communicate when they get stuck on semantics to avoid “being wrong” in some way, shape or form. Since people are inherently stupid, they do that a lot. The truth of the matter is as much as we’d like to make it otherwise very little in life is completely exact and our control over anything is far more limited than we seem to be comfortable admitting. Remember that their inability to agree on what the difference was between aerosol and airborne droplets means they then couldn’t agree on what were the best practices to mitigate transmission which in turn affected how many people spread and therefore got the disease. A cycle that repeated ad nauseum throughout dealing with what we knew and didn’t and what we told who, how, and when which in turn contributed to what people believed and who they believed. Basically, a goat rope. However, there were many factors, not just the fight over the definitions and properties of aerosol vs airborne droplets. Our biggest challenge, it seems, will always be human nature. That being said is what you are really asking me is “Does size really matter”? Because that is a totally different question for a different forum.
Some problems are smaller than others,
Crabby
https://www.wired.com/story/the-teeny-tiny-scientific-screwup-that-helped-covid-kill/
April 2021
Dear Crabby
Why? Why can’t we get new movies made that aren’t connected to or rehashing the same old thing over and over again? Disney is now making a movie about Cinderella’s step sisters. Who cares? Take that money and spend it on something like Fart Quest! Give us the quality entertainment we crave!
https://io9.gizmodo.com/kristen-wiig-and-disney-are-teaming-up-for-a-musical-ab-1846699469
Dear Full of Hot Air,
While Fart Quest! is certainly fine entertainment, particularly for those of us often lured back to acts of juvenile humor, you can’t just discard Cinderella out of hand. See the key here is making it new again. So, if you were to say that Cinderella had another half-sister (or brother) who is such a mouse that they are literally seen that way by all who lay eyes on them but, can’t see their true nature…well, that’s certainly different, isn’t it? What if they make it really a drama? Let’s say that the half sibling is from Cinderella’s mother and her stepsister’s estranged father who got lost near their home in a bad storm when Cinderella’s father was off “working” again. Her lonely mother took him in and nursed him back to health and they fell madly in love. Plot twist if the half sibling is male child who is too fabulous for words and often acts as Cinderella’s seamstress.
So, I say as long as it’s new…go for it!
Crabby
March 2021
Dear Crabby,
I don’t see the point of the “space hotel”. A restaurant, a bar and a gym? Why would I spend thousands of my hard-earned dollars to go sit in a room while I pay for food and drinks? I can do that at home.
Anonymous
Dear Get Away,
I think you’re asking the wrong questions here. I think the questions you should be asking are 1) Why would we pollute space like this? 2) Why would I spend my hard-earned money to spend time off earth with other people from earth? 3) Can we really make this happen when we can’t manage to keep the earth running without trying to destroy it and ourselves every other day?
Let us take a deeper look, shall we? We can’t agree, despite scientific proof, that the earth is being damaged by the things we’re doing here on and to the planet. We can’t agree to live peacefully together on this planet. We can’t agree to treat one another equally or with respect. Why would we take this flying feces festival on the road?
Now, don’t think this is my thought on question number one…that was my thought on question number three. Although, I’m certain that our inability to not throw our trash and aggression everywhere will continue to be a problem no matter where we go what I mean by pollution was spreading our particular brand of stupid past the confines of our atmosphere. I suppose though the two are two sides of the same coin.
That leaves us with what would possess anyone to think spending an “affordable” amount, which is completely subjective by the way, to go to space with a bunch of the same bozos that I don’t want to spend time with planet side is appealing in the least? You want to appeal to me? Offer me the chance to go to space without other people.
Feel free to get away from me any time.
Crabby
https://www.dezeen.com/2021/03/09/space-hotel-voyager-station-gateway-foundation/
January 2021
Dear Crabby,
Have aliens come to save us from our hubris? A monolith has appeared in Utah’s desert and has been recently discovered. Are beings from other planets finally showing us the future or did the government just not catch this one?
Sincerely,
True Believer
Dear Zealot,
NO! No other race wants us or this wreck of a planet. Some freakin’ movie crew left what is essentially an “Easter egg” or a giant joke to show how gullible much of the human race is. Aliens probably avoid this place like the plague…especially since 2020. Why in the world would you think they’d want us??? At this point they’re probably hoping we’ll kill ourselves off rather than contaminate the rest of the universe with our stupidity! Can you imagine what imbeciles we look like at this point? Fighting science at every turn, showing nothing but intolerance and ignorance to one another. Jesus, we can’t even manage to treat our own people decently. Why would anyone want to have anything to do with us???? At this point it’s just gotta’ be a question of if it’s more fiscally responsible to do us in or let us do it ourselves. Keep ignoring the big picture and the rest of the universe may be saved.
Sincerely,
Baffled By Humanity
October 2020
Dear Crabby,
We’re all going to die! Neil deGrasse Tyson says an asteroid is going to hit the earth the day before the Election. What are we going to do now?
Freaked Out
Dear Freak,
Yes, we are all going to die…eventually. It goes along with the whole living thing. I need to pause here and ask what seems like an important question. Since this column is in print I’m assuming you all know how to read but, do any of you actually ever read about the things you write to me about…more than the headlines? Because what you’ve said is incorrect in a number of ways. Neil said that the asteroid “could” hit the earth and if you had read the article you’d know he also said it’s about the size of the refrigerator and wouldn’t do any real significant damage at that size. Seriously, is it just that you all have the attention spans of goldfish or what?
As to what we are going to do well, even if the universe did love us enough to wipe us all out, you still have to vote. There is really no excuse since in many places you can vote early and apparently, none of us are getting out of the duty of voting by divine intervention. So suck it up, buttercup, and go do it.
So done,Crabby
https://thehill.com/changing-america/sustainability/environment/521727-neil-degrasse-tyson-warns-asteroid-could-hit
September 2020
Dear Crabby,
I’ve read your many replies to people speaking about technological advances such as AI’s and agree with you that these are the first steps to Skynet and the obliteration of humankind. Now I find myself torn however because Elon Musk has put a chip in a pig’s brain and his desire is to move us towards superhuman cognition and believes it could help those who cannot otherwise do so control things like phones or computers with their minds. He also believes it could help people with diseases like Parkinson’s or dementia.
With such a rich bounty and an already human-controlled aspect to it, I don’t see how something like this could really let computers take over the world but, I’d love to hear what you think.
Sincerely,
Delighted
Okay, Delight…you can put the slide whistle down and relax. I tend to agree the chances of Skynet are less with a set up that includes any human component organically built-in but not because artificial intelligence couldn’t overpower it. The answer there is much more sinister and heinous. Look at what humans already do. Do you really think giving them more brain power will help? We’ve already disregarded the wisdom of Darwin in letting people weed themselves out of the gene pool by safety coating everything and giving the most inane warnings imaginable.
Also, what Mr. Musk is, is very rich and arguably very smart. That has never kept anyone from doing something very stupid. As for his desire, I’m certain it hinges largely on being known for doing whatever groundbreaking thing he thinks up, whether it’s a good idea or bad, and to make more money. If the man was that smart, he’d have changed his name already.
No, I don’t think Skynet is our big worry here. I think this falls firmly in the realm they all really do. That is the realm of humans ultimately destroying themselves…or creating Orcs. Because seriously, this is the kind of crap that gives you Orcs.
Wake me up when 2020 ends.
Crabby
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-53956683
AUGUST 2020
Dear Crabby,
Do you think the things going on now signal the end of days?
Curious
Dear deceased feline,
We started off 2020 riding out the second half of the Australian Bushfires, went into an earthquake in Puerto Rico, flooding in Jakarta, there was an Avalance in Pakistan, Taal erupted in the Philippines, heavy rain in Brazil killed 32 and in Ecuador, a waterfall disappeared into a sinkhole. Oh, yeah…MORE earthquakes in Croatia, Utah, Nevada, Puerto Rico (again), and tremors in New Delhi, deadly tornadoes hit the southern US, Turkey gets an avalanche and earthquake within weeks of each other, a dam in Michigan bursts, super-cyclone Amphan hits India and Bangladesh. Forest fires in Ukraine lead to radiation, “Murder Hornets” are spotted in the US. That doesn’t count protests/riots in Hong Kong, Chile, and the United States and multiple other incidents of civil or social unrest during that same time, the pandemic, or the locust plague in India and East Africa.
Then things get weird…like the fact that the Pope apologized for slapping a woman’s hand, the Pentagon releases UFO videos for the record, Tennessee’s little thing with “meth-gators” suddenly being a problem, Florida’s brain-eating amoeba, and just for some spice, a record Arctic heatwave increases Siberian wildfires by 5x. That’s all been by the beginning of July.
I don’t see any chance of satisfaction with any of this bringing you back, by the way. Koalas are now an endangered species…koalas! If that isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is but, I feel fine. It’s fine. Everything is fine.
Crabby
JULY 2020
Dear Crabby,
Did you hear about the parallel universe NASA found in Antarctica where time runs backward? How great would it be to be part of that world? To see all the bizarre things 2020 brought with it go back away and eventually we could go back to the Renaissance where knowledge was respected, and art was favored. The good old days. Doesn’t it sound wonderful?
Renaissance Man
Dear Renny,
You are obviously either one of those folks who either only remember the parts he wants of the past or perhaps, has never actually paid attention to history at all? This is on top of obviously being one of those people who only read headlines and social media rather than say scientific articles on scientific findings? First NASA did NOT find a parallel universe in Antarctica. What they actually discovered was some anomalous results in their experiments with neutrino detection using ANITA (Antarctic Impulsive Transient Antenna. There were some hypotheticals thrown around as they speculated about what this could mean for a model of a cosmos where there might be an antimatter universe extending backward from the Big Bang. The keywords here that you should pay special attention to are the following: speculated, which in this case a verb meaning to indulge in conjectural thought and hypothetical, in this case, an adjective meaning assumed by hypothesis; supposed.
Even if they had found a parallel universe running backward time-wise in Antarctica let’s look at what you’re hoping for, shall we? So, you get rid of some bad things…by going back through them and undoing some good things to go back to even worse things. You end up erasing both civil rights and suffrage, we give up the United States and take Britain, Spain, France, etc. back to colonizing everyone they can beat into submission, slavery is a thing all over the world again, you manage to stop before the outbreak of the Black Death the first time but, you’ll still have us go through the second wave in the mid 1600’s. Not to mention you’re taking us back into the Portuguese and Roman Inquisitions. Brilliant. Science was respected you say? Yes, it was so respected that Galileo died under house arrest. Don’t forget the wars! So many wars over those hundreds of years…wars that actually ripped Italy and its renaissance apart. Do not for one moment believe that changing times will mean changed people because we are the animals we have always been for better and worse.
Say hi to the penguins’ chump,
Crabby
https://www.sciencealert.com/of-course-nasa-did-not-detect-a-parallel-universe-in-antarctica
JUNE 2020
Dear Crabby,
What do you think of the headlines about the “Mysterious Signals From Outer Space” that have been so popular in the last month? Do you think they could be proof of alien existence? Maybe even them reaching out to us? We are coming up on July fourth so what if that isn’t a coincidence and what if they want to destroy Earth as they do in the movies?
The girl with telescope eyes.
Gawking Girl,
Eating homemade mushrooms while listening to The Beatles and pondering your existence wouldn’t be a problem except for two things: 1) You clearly haven’t read any of the many articles you’ve seen headlines related to “mysterious signals” and 2) You chose to bother me with your nonsense. Now, unfortunately, you are in the majority when it comes to both talking about things you’ve never bothered to read and bothering me. It seems to be a common thread to the people I’m exposed to time and again. If you are talking about the Fast Radio Bursts that people interested in astronomical studies are all excited about they aren’t uncommon in the slightest and while nothing is concrete yet it looks like it could be, and probably is, as simple as coming from hyper-magnetized stars that suddenly blast out radio energy. Kind of like how some people can’t help just randomly and sporadically spouting rubbish for all and sundry to hear whether we are interested or not.
As to what I think about aliens coming to Earth for any reason, never mind to destroy it, I firmly believe that we are likely considered the most suspect and abhorrent rest stop in the universe akin to that bathroom you’d rather chance skipping and wetting yourself than using on the long meandering backroads that tour and connect the inbred cavities of the US. Let us assume for a moment that an alien race did show up to annihilate the earth. Do you really imagine they’d waste their time, resources, or energy on such a thing when they could make a snack, put their feet up, and watch the show as we did all the work for them? Taking it one step further, I would even suggest that an enterprising subordinate could make a very nice showing of coming up with something using fewer assets. They could even achieve more with a sped-up timeline than what would have been prescribed by having us do the job ourselves, therefore allowing them the opportunity for a paid vacation with free entertainment.
If all of this causes you stress or even if it doesn’t, I recommend you immediately start to grow and care for plants. Carry one with you at all times. If nothing else, it will make up for the oxygen you waste.
Crabby
May 2020
Dear Crabby,
Turns out we’re missing one of the weirdest signs of the Apocalypse this year that we already had once about 900 years ago, when the moon up and disappeared! Can you imagine if that happened this year? People are already losing their minds over the what 2020 has brought. I’m surprised there isn’t more panic about the fact that magnetic North is moving around 9 to 37 miles per year but, maybe it’s just because it’s science related and so many people don’t believe in science anymore?
Child of Science
Dear Silly Child,
The world and its inhabitants have always been weird. I’m not a scientist so, honestly without a better understanding of how it works, the idea of aerosols effecting the moon and not the stars strikes me as weirder than the moon disappearing. I’d easily credit the guy who wrote all this down to having foraged his own mushrooms. As for the interior mass that makes magnetic North happen moving around “rapidly” and without a discernible pattern I’m of the opinion it’s probably just trying to avoid the stupidity that comes along with contact with the human race. If I thought I could rely on the moon disappearing again and maybe permanently, I’d be looking to relocate. All in all, it doesn’t sound any more or less odd or fanciful than a White House Press Briefing these days. So, maybe you should get out a sandwich board and see if you can stir the pot some more? Might as well join the rest of the clowns in this circus.
Currently looking for property off planet,
Crabby
https://www.livescience.com/disappearing-moon-caused-by-forgotten-volcano.html
https://www.pennlive.com/daily-buzz/2020/05/earths-magnetic-north-moving-at-a-rapid-pace-report.html
APRIL 2020
Dear Aunt Crabby,
I read, with some interest, the February, 2020 News From The High Frontier. As I can hanker for a hunk of cheese as much as the next man, I was chiefly interested to learn about cheese eating in outer space. I was shocked and dismayed to learn the so-called “cheese’ could not survive such a short (only to orbit) trip from blastoff to our space station.
Could those alleged rocket scientists not locate a hardier, but not hard cheese? Apparently, they didn’t sink their teeth far enough into the problem. Couldn’t they have found a tougher cheese with a robust shelf life that is equal to its robust taste? Yes, they could have, if they had done due diligence.
Finally, a great opportunity, for me, to make a major—if somewhat cheesy—contribution to our country’s space program. I am humble, yet proud, to be able to share the following with you, dear Crabby, the gentle readers of Watch the Skies, & space scientists all over this spinning globe.
The answer to the cheese problem/difficulty/quandary is Old Croc! Old Croc, as you surely know, is a famous cheese; made in Australia; and shipped to Harrisburg. After such a long journey from Harrisburg’s antipode (more or less), the cheese is still fresh and delectable.
If our space program can put a man on his moon, they should be able to replicate the terrific transport techniques of an audacious Australian cheese company, can’t they?
Thank you for your attention and the knowledge I’ve been able to bring to your life.
Yours aye,
D.A.M. Punster
Dear Wisecracker,
Perhaps you should not be looking to talk to NASA about their cheese purchases but the Feta Business Bureau? Although, some may suggest it’s nacho business what cheese they supply if you feel a particular inferior quality is being purchased with taxpayer funds I suppose you could always argue that you just want to make America grate again if you had picked say, USA made parmesan rather than suggesting an Australian import and insisting it’s cheddar. You could maybe even suggest a better investment was swiss cheese as I hear that’s a hole business plan in and of itself. Then again you never know what kind of response you might get if you question the administration but surely someone will say, “How dairy!” Ultimately, I think you should just let it brie.
I am not your aunt and I still want to know, if we can send one man to his moon, why can’t we send them all?
Feta up with you,
Crabby
FEBRUARY 2020
Dear Crabby,
In the last few years, I’ve heard that the hot place to meet men is the grocery store. I guess because you can get a lot of information about them by what’s in their basket? I decided with Valentine’s Day looking like another solo mission this year I’d try my luck. I was shocked to find that I did meet my perfect match there but, certainly not in the form I expected. I meet someone who is serious about their job, friendly, considerate, clean, and conscientious with big eyes and a positive attitude. The problem is it’s a robot that goes around checking the store for floor hazards. The actual humans I met there were either being paid to be there and nice to me, taken, or honestly mostly just scary and rude. Do you think that the grocery store will eventually make it possible to buy these units for our own homes? I honestly had a more meaningful conversation with a beeping machine than with the last dozen humans I’ve encountered…and it’s got to be a sight better than a pet since instead of making messes this one just warns you about them. I haven’t had a roommate in 30 years I could get to do that much. The grocery aisle might be the only one I end up going down at this rate.
Venus is in retrograde
Dear Venus,
I feel ya. I’d rather pay extra to have strangers just drop my food at my door than deal with the populace of most places. While I agree the conversation is probably much better than most of the people you may have engaged in the last dozen tries but, that beeping would undoubtedly get on your nerves eventually. Also, I don’t think they’ll be for sale for home use any time that soon. Besides, if you’re going to spend that kind of money you want more than a warning, right? Have some dignity and aim for someone who at least makes as solid an attempt to clean up as a 13-year-old. Personally, I think you should skip the heartache and just order extra ice cream and have it delivered directly to you. Maybe you’ll have better luck with the delivery drivers?
Pass the spoon,
Crabby
January 2020
Dear Crabby,
Some chick named Tess at Nasa just found a second Earth! Who do you think will get us there first Trump or Musk and do you think this chick will actually keep the credit for finding the first livable planet or will it turn out like always that it was really a dude who did all the work?
Sincerely Stoked
Dear Burnout,
First, it’s NASA which stands for National Aeronautics and Space Administration…not Nasa. Second, it’s TESS which stands for Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite not Tess some chick that works at NASA. Those are called acronyms when you make a word out of the initial or groups of letters in a set phrase or series of words. Third, I think that the first people to get us to another planet are whoever has the means and can make the most profit off of the poor slobs they find a way to bait or trap into doing the dirty work of going there first and making the sacrifices to make it profitable…just like the monarchies have done for all of history. You use those under your bootheels to get what you want and tell them how it’s all for them and progress. Whose name is behind it doesn’t matter. Lastly, I sincerely doubt the people that do the most work on any groundbreaking leap in knowledge or technology are ever the ones who truly get the credit. I think the people who know the right people or get lucky after they’re dead and get the recognition by the writers of our ever malleable histories are the ones who get the credit.
By the way, this isn’t the first world that they found that is livable…it’s the first world of the same size as Earth that they’ve found that might have the right conditions for having liquid water on its surface. That by no means indicates it’s a place we can just pop onto and set up business. Do you actually do things like read articles on scientific discoveries or do you just look at the pretty pictures and let someone else tell you what is supposedly happening? Actually, forget that… what I really want to know is if your ignorant, imbecilic, hidebound, myopic, vulgar, boorish self will be around to be one of the first shipped off. Just a thought.
Make the world a better place and leave.
Sincerely,
Crabby
https://www.digitaltrends.com/cool-tech/tess-earth-sized-planet-habitable-zone/
November 2019
Dear Crabby,
Some people’s folks tell them they can be anything they want to be, but my mum and dad told me that my dream of being an astronaut would never be possible because they said I weigh too much and am lazy. Today I have been avenged by the European Space Agency who have said that they are considering the ways they could aid longer distance space travel utilizing a state similar to hibernation or suspended animation allowing the ships to be smaller. This isn’t possible yet, but the research has already begun and follows a similar vein for methods already employed to save trauma victims. While the ships would need to be able to operate largely autonomously the crew members would have to be padded with extra body fat in advance of their trip in order to sleep through much of the 180-day journey. That means that someone like me will be more qualified since I already have some extra body fat and am very good at sleeping and laying in bed for days at a time. Add to that the amount of time I spend playing Hellion and I’m sure to win a place on the first ship to take on such travel. How do you think I should break it to my parents that they were so wrong about me all these years?
Rocket Man
Oh, Rocket Man…I think you should tell your parents simply that for Christmas you’re going to finally move out of their house. I think the sheer joy of that will override any other news you could share. I’m glad that you’ve held onto your dream, buddy, and I personally would be thrilled to see you leave this earth behind. I do have to wonder though if you’ve considered that being able to say you’re great in bed because you can sleep all day on your resume is really going to make up for all that math and science I think you probably dodge during your many years in high school? I also think it’s going to be a long, long time till touch down brings you round again to find you aren’t the man you think you are at all. Still, I really do hope someone straps a rocket to your butt and sends you off into the heavens…I just wish you’d take more people with you when it happened.
I’ll await the Earth-shattering Kaboom eagerly.
Crabby
https://apnews.com/201ad6dfcbb04eff845d95456805ba90
October 2019
Dear Crabby,
OH MY GOD! THE END! What do I do now? Fortnite blew everything up and there’s only a black hole! What do I do?
Anon
Dear Chicken Little,
The end of the Fortnite season 10 or even the whole Fortnite world is not the end of the actual world itself. Breathe. How much of a noob are you that you don’t realize that a) that’s what this game does…it does big weird wacky stuff and b) nobody is going to kill the golden goose. Sources have approximated that 250 million people play this game worldwide…250 million! Nobody is just going to say goodbye to the revenue that brings in, buddy. Now what I think is amazingly sad is that we can’t get 250 million people on board with anything as important as…oh, say ending world hunger, preventing the destruction of the planet we actually live on or even to get that amount of voter turnout for elections in the US. We came in at just over that amount of the population being of age to vote in 2016 and got less than an estimated 56% turnout.
However, it’s obvious to me now that if we held voting in cyberspace allowing people to pick costumes, an alias, and earn coins towards cool gadgets by doing crazy things like learning about current events, topics of interest, the candidates, the platform they run on, and maybe their political history and who buys them…I mean…supports them with donations…well, then I’m sure we could get a record turn out! I’m sure we could even get lots of volunteers from other countries to help run the election behind the scenes. Probably even ones with lots of experience in doing so already. Take your head out of your…device and get a real life.
You’re part of the problem.
Crabby
SEPTEMBER 2019
Dear Crabby,
Fall is in the air and I have a Halloween party I’m planning to impress my friends with. There is the costume to consider. I wanted to follow Chuck’s awesome idea and go for the sandworm, but there’s a girl from work I’m hoping to woo, and I didn’t want to have a third wheel wreck the vibe. I settled on Iron Man instead. I have all the light-up parts and sound effects for the suit although, it does mean no sitting down. I have a meat foot, pumpkin spice muffins, guacamoldy eyeballs, pumpkin spice blondies with cheesecake swirl, jalapeno mummies, pumpkins spice latte jello shots, brain dip. pumpkin spice pretzel bites, pumpkin spice chocolate chip cookies, pumpkin spice White Russians. I’ve got a killer soundtrack of spooky sounds and rad Halloween appropriate songs for this Dead Man’s Party. Purple and orange lights to set the mood, smoke machine for that intimate feel, scary spiders and rats to drive a dame right into a hero’s arms. What more can you suggest to seal the deal and spend the next morning making my hopefully soon to be witchy woman pumpkin spiced pancakes for breakfast?
Lovesick Lunatic
Dear Bat Guano Crazy,
Okay, so you’ve got a costume you can’t sit in let alone to get horizontal in, presumably, other people to attend this party so as to at least not make the girl feel like she’s in Psycho and about to be your mother, and food that while disgusting in nature is mostly at least theme-appropriate. Assuming you don’t blow this just based on your oblivious skills and charm I’d say it could work assuming she’s as much of a headcase as you…except for one thing. Nobody should be subjected to the amount of Pumpkin Spice items you’re suggesting short of torture that defies all traces of humanity and breaks the Geneva Convention to bits. What did the Russians do to you white or otherwise that you’d abuse alcohol that way, man? I bet you even have one of those horrid plug-ins or wax melts or some such horror that spells like that crap, don’t you? If she’s as twisted as you and your pumpkin spice worshipping self is you two are made in vomit-inducing heaven. I hope you live a long, happy, smelly existence somewhere far from the rest of us.
Happy early Hallow’s Eve and goodbye!
Crabby
https://www.mynameissnickerdoodle.com/halloween-feet-loaf-recipe/
https://www.womansday.com/food-recipes/food-drinks/recipes/a56191/hot-pepper-mummies-recipe/
https://www.womansday.com/food-recipes/food-drinks/recipes/a56191/hot-pepper-mummies-recipe/
https://www.delish.com/cooking/recipe-ideas/g3614/pumpkin-spice-recipes/
AUGUST 2019
Dear Crabby,
Did you know that the moon is actually brighter than the sun if you’re talking about gamma radiation? It’s true! So not only does the moon cause Lycanthropy, but it’s the real reason Bruce Banner hulked out…he was sent on a special mission to the moon and there he was exposed to the massive amounts of gamma radiation that changed him into the Hulk. I’m saving every penny I can and looking to Space-X to give me my own shot at radical transformation. The key is to avoid the government space suits meant to block the gamma radiation by using your own suit to keep you from the extreme temperatures and sustain breathable atmosphere for you but allow the gamma radiation to penetrate your cells. I can’t wait to come back to earth a changed man.
I’m about to be a lunar legend.
Dear, legend in your own mind.
You don’t even realize what a twit you are, do you? The moon doesn’t cause lycanthropy…cross gypsies cause lycanthropy…everyone knows that. Have you never seen Claude Rains, Lan Chaney Jr., and Bela Lugosi’s The Wolfman? As for turning into the Hulk from going to the moon in a homemade spacesuit…well, let us just say that if you can come up with the money for Space-X I can’t really call you a weirdo…at that price you’re automatically considered eccentric which is the best I think you can hope for. Kind of like that vase that your grandmother insists on calling a vase with a long a. Same thing only pretentious. Oh, don’t worry about an inflight snack smart guy…since the moon is made of cheese and all…but you should avoid the water bears!
Hurry up and get off my planet. You even make stupid people look bad.
Crabby
https://www.insider.com/beresheet-lunar-lander-tardigrades-invincible-live-in-space-2019-8
JULY 2019
Dear Crabby,
The means to realize Soylent Green is upon us! Fast food super chain Burger King is all about you having it your way…or are they? The food chain has recently released a whopper of a switcheroo…creating plant-based meat substitutes passed off as vegan Whoppers. Now they want to implement a 50/50 menu that will give you no idea what you might actually get when you order…real meat or lab created fake meat. Call me crazy, but this opens the doorway for people to ultimately eat whatever they are given and never question its true origins…a plot by world powers to control population? Upset the balance of the rich and powerful and you disappear only to end up on the family table in a bag or bucket fed to your closest and dearest as a “take a guess what it is” meal! If you know what’s good for you, you’ll start only eating what you grow or raise yourself.
Lets eat grandma…commas can’t save you anymore.
Dear comma confused,
You’re crazy, and you’ve clearly never worked in the food service industry. You’d never eat out again if you knew what went on in some kitchens. Yes, it’s sick buying food when you can’t be sure what you’ll get when you order, but no more so than going to a disreputable restaurant near a highway that seems unusually free of road kill (are all the fillets declawed?). I’m sure that the world powers have easier ways to control us, and the population in general, that have been around much longer than fast food. So, spare grandma the nightmares and button up.
Ding dong, your fries are overdone!
Crabby
https://www.zdnet.com/article/burger-kings-new-science-experiment-is-truly-creepy/
JUNE 2019
Dear Crabby,
Have you heard that NASA is opening up the international space station to everyone! I dreamed of this as a child! I’ve always wanted to go to space and now my dreams can all come true. When will you be going? I’ve been a longtime fan and would love to spend such a monumental event with someone as funny as you. My only hope is soon they’ll get a station established on the moon too with the same visitability.
I’m thanking my lucky stars!
Dear Space Madness,
There is a lot to unpack here so bear with me. Let’s start with the end and work our way back to where all this started in your labyrinthine mind, shall we? We are nowhere near a station on the moon and given that some countries don’t even want to talk to the head of our country I don’t foresee a lot of cooperation to us getting there even if we do overcome the flagrant neglect we’ve given to our space pursuits. So, forget that right from the start…unless you are very young, reasonable given your that your seeming lack of sense might just be a lack of experience instead, or inordinately long-lived this will never happen in your lifetime. Next! Why in God’s name would I want to go to a place where it’s even harder to avoid the other humans because of closely confined spaces where we can actually survive? Until such a time as I can get my own ride to my own space that I can forbid anyone else from entering I have little to no interest and frankly I don’t need to go through that many hoops to hang out with losers like you…I can walk to the corner bodega for that mess, thanks. Last, but hardly least, where exactly are you getting what comes down to likely a bit more than a half a billion dollars to do this and do you really think that you are physically fit to go and be anything other than the first commercial suicide in space? Actually, hold that thought, if you can casually throw around an extra half-plus billion for a vacation then that would explain even more than youth or lack of experience about your attitude. It definitely cements my decision to avoid being you buddy for a trip to the subway let alone the ISS. Here are a few suggestions…if you’re rich enough to buy your way on a vacation that the majority of the nation can’t even afford to dream of then maybe what you need to spend that money on is a little closer to home. While you’re at it, if you really cherish our country’s history of space exploration, then maybe you should put some of that focus on why exactly we feel like it’s acceptable or reasonable to turn it into the next tacky status symbol for companies and people with more money than morals or brains.
It would be one thing if I could ship all you idiots to another planet or even a floating hotel, but since most of us will never make a reasonable percentage of enough money in one lifetime to send ourselves that doesn’t seem very realistic does it? Oh, well…too bad about that part.
Disgusted by your short-sighted longview,
Crabby
https://gizmodo.com/nasa-is-opening-the-iss-to-tourists-but-dont-worry-you-1835334514
May 2019
Dear Crabby,
Over the weekend a lot of us were amped up to finally get to see the completion of the latest Marvel Cinematic Universe story arc and then people lost their minds. Buffalo Bills running back LeSean McCoy tweeted a major spoiler after he saw the movie and was thoroughly trounced for the indiscretion with some people even calling for the NFL to suspend him for the act. Do you feel that’s fair?
Spoiled for the Endgame
Dear Spoiled,
We live in an odd world where we coddle people, treat celebrities like gods, and protect people from themselves and natural consequences on one hand and then on the other we laud people for blaming others for their problems, condemn people in positions of fame or fortune for doing the same things they would do if they weren’t famous and nobody would bat an eye at, and call to leave people in unfortunate situations of their own making to handle it themselves because we don’t want to encourage handouts. Frankly, I long to see everyone treated the same. LeSean shouldn’t be treated any differently because he’s a celebrity and we have to start taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions. I personally went on an approximately month-long media blackout to avoid spoilers. I know not everyone can do that, but honestly if you have a life it’s not nearly as hard as some people seem to think. No, LeSean should be treated like anyone else who did something so thoughtless. In China the beat a man who left the theater yelling spoilers loudly till he shut up. Nice and neat. Everyone treated the same and held responsible for the consequences of their actions. Ah, the good old days!
Fed up with foolishness,
Crabby
February 2019
Dear Crabby,
My roommate got an invitation to be a guest at Fandomcon 2019 presenting a couple of workshops on running rpgs and creating miniature scenery use in the games and I didn’t. In years past we’ve always presented these things together as I’ve helped him come up with his best ideas all this time. This year instead of taking me as his plus one he’s taking his business partner who contributes nothing to the creative process! All he cares about is contracts, marketing, funding, and blah, blah, blah. I’m the one that spends my evenings and weekends testing all their “products”.
When I told his business partner, he should bow out gracefully since it’s my rightful place by my buddy’s side and this guy can’t offer any help with the workshops he laughed and said it was sour grapes. How can I show my friend that he needs to take me his biggest fan and supporter?
Jilted
Dear Tilted,
There are so many things here I don’t even know where to start. I guess we could go with your choice of calling yourself “jilted”. Unless, you’re dating your friend, and I’m guessing that you’re not even if it sounds like you want to be, then that might not really be an accurate description. What it does sound like is a good basis for your feelings about how you’re not getting what you deserve or maybe you just weren’t hugged enough as a child?
What you’ve described here is your friend who is also your game master who runs games for you. Let me guess…you give him his best ideas by the antics you get up to in character during game time, right? Yeah, that’s not you contributing to the creative process…that’s you being part of a test group. If you feel like you should be compensated for that you should ask, but be aware there are tons of us geeks who will be testers for free.
Next, his business partner who’s worrying about those pesky details? Yeah, he’s worth his weight in gold if he’s any good and honest. Your creative friend can do what he does best but someone with a clue needs to make sure that he’s taking care of things like contracts, trademarks, exposure, etc. Bet you he actually mentioned that your friend could write off things like his room and food as a business expense instead of someone who’s main concern is probably that he brought the cheese curls and beer for gaming all night after the workshops and the dealers room closes.
I don’t know about sour grapes, but you’ve definitely got whine going on. I don’t think you need to do anything to convince your buddy he has to take you. He doesn’t have to do anything and neither do you, except maybe grow up. You want to go? Buy a ticket and a rent a room. You want to stop giving him all your brilliant ideas? Strike out on your own. I’m sure your blinding success will show all of us what fools we’ve been.
Good luck with your windmills, Tilted.
Crabby
January 2019
Dear Crabby,
Do you have your silver bullets? Do you have your wolf’s bane? Bars for your doors and windows? This is the year that the werewolves have been preparing us for with all their thinly veiled news and communications dressed up like Hollywood movies. This very month they’ll be howling for our blood free to pursue their profane and bestial nature and slake their thirst on our flesh when the Super Wolf Blood Moon lines up for a full lunar eclipse in the later part of January. Do you think the cities or a cabin in the woods will be safer?
Layer of Waste to all Lycanthropes
Dear Werewolf Wackadoo,
Lay off whatever edibles you’ve been imbibing. First off, even if there were werewolves waiting for the perfect time to launch themselves at society wholesale, why in the world would they make “how to kill us” tutorials? If the movies aren’t true to form for how to kill them, then why are you collecting up all your Mummies silver world’s fair spoons to melt down for an arsenal? Second, the reason it’s called a blood moon is because of the amount of light and the color it will get from it’s positioning in relation to our atmosphere when we view it. They call it a Wolf moon because every full moon has had a name for ages based on Nature and when it happens. You know what happens in January? The wolves howl about how little food there is and you know why it sounds even louder than normal? It bounces off the snow and ice better with no leaves and such to absorb it. You know what all that is? Logic you lunatic. Do us all a favor and go with the remote cabin option…I hope you find a basement full of mummified cats and angry spirits.
You put my hackles up,
Crabby
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/space/solar-system/full-moon/
https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/blood-moon.html
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
We’ve all seen the Terminator and X-Men movies. Which do you think is the bigger threat, bloodthirsty A.I.’s or Super Humans?
Curious
Dear Dead Cat,
I’d have to agree with Stephen Hawkins that A.I.’s are the more immediate threat but, only because we have way more work to do learning to manipulate human DNA. I think we’re much closer to creating a computer that gains sentience than we are to reforming human DNA to the point where we can do more than work with what we’ve already got. I don’t think it’s at all a stretch that a sentient A.I. would take one look at humanity and decide we might well be beyond saving. Perhaps, it would take to creating a new species until it replaced us with something more useful and pleasing in a sort of ironic role reversal? Besides, I doubt if we could significantly alter our genetics that most of the human race wouldn’t be so caught up in vanity as to ignore most any other applications.
Then again I also don’t find it far-fetched to think that if there is any other more advanced life in the universe they might not catch all that’s going on right now on this planet as we blast our signals across space and decide to destroy our planet would be a mercy killing sort of like a diseased animal. Or maybe I’ve just watched too much C-SPAN lately.
Dubiously yours,
Crabby
SEPTEMBER 2018
Dear Crabby,
So Space-X has announced it’s first commercial passenger to take a rocket trip around the moon. When do you think it will be possible for most if not all people to fly to the moon?
Lunar Lover
Dear Lunatic Fringe,
Not soon enough. If we can send one person to space why can’t we send you all? Or at least 98% of you, since you
insist on asking me these kind of stupid questions. Space travel to other places will happen for the masses when the people rich or powerful enough to figure out how to put the rest of us to work making them more rich and powerful in space. That’s when you’ll get your chance. Until then dream on, moon baby.
Crabby
AUGUST 2018
Dear Crabby,
Is it just my imagination or is the world today in trouble? Why are people so mean to each other nowadays? Why do they find it so hard to be respectful of one another no matter if they disagree or not? Why can’t they accept that just because you may not share the same views each individual has value and should be treated as you yourself would like to be treated? Isn’t this what our parents, teachers, and spiritual leaders have been trying to teach us since we were born? I mean it doesn’t matter if you play Fortnight or Overwatch! Star Wars or Star Trek! Middle Earth or Narnia! We’re all the same. Don’t you agree?
Love and compassion are always in fashion!
Dear Ostrich,
Out of all our problems in this world today that’s what you see as being our issues? Yes, clearly, it is all in your imagination. Perhaps, if you stop pretending to have a grasp on the world’s woes and actually attempt to pay attention to what is actually going on in the real world that would be of some use? I doubt it, but one lives in hope.
No, we are not all the same, thank all that is holy, and you are as much a bane to our continued existence as any idiot willing to fight over places real or imagined. You can’t ignore all the things wrong in the real world in favor of sticking your head in the sands of Arrakis. Yes, people should absolutely treat one another the way they’d like to be treated, but could you lot of ADD-afflicted gnats please focus for just long enough to get through even an election cycle?
I hate you all.
Crabby
JULY 2018
Dear Crabby,
MUFON and NUFORC have both reported that sightings of extra-terrestrial craft have declined by up to 40% in the last five years. Do you think that our brethren from beyond the solar system have forsaken us or do you think it’s just that the shadow organizations that run the Earth’s governments have stepped up their game in conspiring to hide these benevolent visitors from us?
Star-struck
Dear Dumbstruck,
Okay, you do realize that life on other planets could conceivably consist of what amounts to a sentient mold, right? While I know plenty of people who share more than a passing resemblance in more than looks to mold I, personally, am not counting myself among that family. Also, what in the world makes you assume anyone visiting from a different planet is benevolent? They could be stopping by to shop for soup ingredients called human beings for all you know. That said I do think that if we were ever visited by intelligent life from beyond our planet and it has tapered off that it is definitely related to world government. I’m pretty sure with all the many different governments who spend their time doing everything they can to dissuade immigration from harsh laws to outright torturous behavior that even folks from that far away have gotten the message about illegal aliens. If they are intelligent I would also venture to guess that the current state of who we as various peoples on this dirtball allow to rule us would be enough to drive them off on its own. It could also just be that maybe they don’t want to deal with taking anyone here smart enough to want to leave on as immigrants either and the truth that’s really out there is that the whole universe is boned. Annoyed beyond the known universe,
Crabby
https://gizmodo.com/our-skies-are-more-watched-than-ever-so-why-are-report-1827284430
JUNE 2018
Dear Crabby,
What can we do about the weenie boys of the geek culture who laze about in their jacuzzi of toxic masculinity whining and raging about everyone who essentially isn’t them? You know, anyone who isn’t a straight white cis-male and dares to enjoy what was once their sole province known as geekdom. Why are these man-children still living with the ghosts of their pasty socially awkward pubescent selves and trying to punish everyone else? We keep seeing the examples of their venomous strikes against any kind of diversity including one of the latest where they trolled Kelly Marie Tran so hard it seems she may have given up Instagram. Their versions of how things should go include no people of color, no women unless it’s to make the hero look good or give him the love interest he so obviously deserves (that they apparently never got), and you absolutely may not be either new to the geek scene or anything less than a champion of years of being misunderstood and mocked for your interests in all things geek. If you do not possess an encyclopedic knowledge of all things geek or if your opinion differs from theirs you are obviously not only a poser but an interloper who must be punished and ultimately banished. Is it hopeless? Is there any way to rehabilitate these poor pathetic creatures?
Tired of the attitude.
Dear Tired,
I like how you think and it’s refreshing to read something written in such fine style. Let me pose this question to you though…is it easier to fix them or just figure out a way to hide the bodies? I mean if we were talking about normal guys I’d say tell them they would be denied the pleasure of the company of bright pretty women, but since that hasn’t slowed them down yet I doubt it will work. We could try other forms of negative reinforcement, but there are only so many times you can plead self-defense before the law becomes suspicious. We could play the long game and just wait for them to take themselves out of the gene pool. Personally, I think that the best thing that we can do is support everyone who isn’t like that and make an effort to band together with all the rest of our awesome fandom who do celebrate diversity and simply shut them down whenever they act in unacceptable ways without feeding into it. A simple group “You’re wrong” followed by ignoring them and their attempts to argue or harass by enough people enough times and even if they don’t learn better they should at least learn that acting like a three-year-old with a poopy diaper and a sugar crash is unacceptable. Alternately, it’s pride month…you could send them rainbow glitter bombs with cards that sing shiny happy people and hope they’ll have a Grinch moment that allows their tiny frightened inner child to grow three sizes and get a life.
Haters gonna hate.
Crabby
MAY 2018
Dear Crabby,
What do you think the chances that time travel will finally be proven by a winner of the lottery to attend Stephen Hawkins memorial service at West Minster Abbey? The public ballots for the chance to win such an honor allow you to have a birthday as far in advance as 12/21/2038. What an amazing thing to be able to bear witness to when his ashes are buried between Sir Isaac Newton and Charles Darwin.
Star Struck
Dear Astrally Assaulted,
I think that the chances are between slim and nil that you would know even if people traveled through time to attend. Also, why do they have to be from the future? Who’s to say someone might not have the key to time travel from the past and either choose not to share it or it becomes lost? Besides, if nobody showed up for his party wouldn’t it be a little insulting to show up to see him wished well for having shuffled off the mortal coil? Just seems like bad manners to me.
I am utterly amazed at the things you people come up with.
Crabby
MARCH 2018
Dear Crabby,
Well, all the science big shots have gotten their way and now we have self-driving cars and what else do we have? People run over by self-driving cars. When are people going to understand that machines can’t take over for people without killing us? When will the madness end?
R. Witherspoon
Dear Witheredspoon,
While I understand your concern in this matter I feel the need to point a few things out. First, surely not all the science big shots have gotten their way. Ask them. I’m sure they could fill days upon days with stories of how we have yet to allow them to fulfill their dreams. Climate change anyone? Second, there is very little you can make people understand…I’ve been trying for years. I think that the most important point though is that no matter how safe we make machines people will insist on being stupid. It’s not the cars fault if they find out that some walked out in front of it while looking at their phone or decided they were faster. People have accidents like that all the time and after all, even a world-renowned theoretical physicist and cosmologist once thought he was faster than a car only to be proven wrong. My advice is to stay out of the street and watch where you’re going no matter who is driving.
Constantly Amazed,
Crabby
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2016/jun/14/statistically-self-driving-cars-are-about-to-kill-someone-what-happens-next
http://www.businessinsider.com/uber-self-driving-car-death-could-hurt-adoption-2018-3
February 2018
Dear Crabby,
In January 2018 the Game Developers Conference was looking to give Nolan Bushnell, co-founder of the original icon of the gaming development frat house, Atari their annual Pioneer award. Fortunately, they obviously saw what I did and came to their senses about honoring such a misogynistic letch when he practically set the standard for the bad behavior that is still rampant today in the industry. Who would you honor instead?
Vindicated
Dear Vinny,
Well, you certainly stress the second syllable of your chosen title. The only thing that is obvious here is that you don’t have the ability to process anything outside your own opinion. We’re talking about a lot of factors here. This was about forty years ago, and while misogyny is never right no matter when it happens, you are obviously not taking into account the time period and place where the people in such a creative environment were thumbing their noses at everything that had already been established. They were literally making it up as they went along.
Also, while some women there may have felt uncomfortable in the environment there were plenty who never felt like lines were crossed. Does that make the women who did feel they weren’t being treated fairly wrong? No. Does it make the women who felt empowered in that environment wrong? No. People so often seem to think that in order to treat someone well or fairly you must be blind to their differences from you and treat everyone exactly the same. That is not treating people with respect. That is, in fact, disrespecting those differences. Men and women are different and have different experiences. People of color have different experiences than people who present as white. People who are not straight or binary have different experiences than those who are. People who are not the same religion as the people with the most power in the country they live in have different experiences.
Ignoring those differences in order to treat everyone the same is also hurtful. Try looking at people and seeing them, let them know you see them, find out how they would like to be treated and do so as well as you can. Then the person that you honor and will be worthy to be honored by others will be you.
Also, I have not the foggiest idea who in the game developing industry deserves to be honored because unlike you I have a real life I lead in the real world where I interact with other real people, loser.
Remember that respect is key.
Crabby
PS ~ Excellent article: https://kotaku.com/sex-pong-and-pioneers-what-atari-was-really-like-ac-1822930057
January 2018
Dear Crabby,
Once again we’re getting a Masters of the Universe movie. Is He-Man really what we need right now, particularly given the short production schedule that is rumored to be set up? Besides, if Dolph couldn’t make it work, who could?
http://sciencefiction.com/2018/01/13/masters-universe-reboot-movie-begin-production-april/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093507/
Skeptical about this scene.
Dear Skeptic,
If they can’t make a decent movie with years of lead time why would they be able to make a good movie based off of crappy toys from the 80’s in a short amount of time? Then again maybe if they actually stick to the groundwork laid by the very popular cartoon and comics they could come out all right. As brilliant a man as Dolph Lundgrin might be even he didn’t really stand a chance with a movie that had little more than character names, and only a few of those, in common with what people actually liked and grew up with as a cartoon. They do have the benefit of an incredible leap in the technology and I think they’re better off getting it out sooner to ride the wave of nostalgia that belongs to the 80’s and 90’s babies right now. On the other hand it’s Hollywood and they can screw up pretty much anything. So, roll the dice and see what you end up with. Maybe a trip of wonder down memory lane and a warm feeling in your heart. Maybe a hand full of crap and a warm feeling there instead. Who knows? What else are you going to see in 2019? World War Z 2? Terminator 6? Transformers 7? Top Gun: Maverick? You already know that those are going to suck.
Read a book!
Crabby
November 2017
Dear Crabby,
Some scientists trying to warn against the continued pursuit of autonomous weapons have said that the tools are already pretty much there and that it’s much closer to reality than science fiction…even closer they say than a self-driving car because the car needs more precision. Do you think we’re too late to stop the creation of the latest batch of weapons of mass destruction?
Concerned
Dear Concerned,
I don’t know if there is any way to stop the next greatest and latest version of the weapons of mass destruction. It seems that if it’s not AI run drones shooting people down it will be the radicalized nutjobs of the world or maybe we’ll find out we’ve already done it by messing up Mother Nature and she’s just ramping up to slap the snot out of humanity on the whole and wiping the earth clean and starting over. What I can tell you is that, of course, we’re closer to automated death than we are to a self-driving car! Think about it…we’ve been able to teach almost anyone how to kill…men, women, children, people of all colors and creeds. Yet most of the rest of you people cannot be taught the simple skills of using a turn signal, when to yield vs when to stop, or even how to clear all the flipping snow off your car before you drive it!
I’m seriously considering if we shouldn’t work on letting the earth try again without us.
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
October 2017
Dear Crabby,
Every year brings a slew of weirder and weirder Halloween costumes to my door. Inevitably I get whatever the superhero movie star of the year is…Batman, Superman, Wonderwoman, Deadpool, Mighty Morphine Power Rangers, whatever. Now, superheroes are cool and have their place, but last year I asked a girl where her costume was and she said she was wearing it. She had sunglasses on her head, a ponytail, a Starbucks cup, a cell phone and bright lipstick on. I asked her what she was and she said a soccer mom. A SOCCER MOM!!! What happened to ghosts, skeletons, witches, and the like? Isn’t anything sacred?
Haunted
Dear Haughty Haunted,
As you may remember this month is Crabby’s…ahem, vacation to an undisclosed location with nice young men dressed in their nice white coats. So, I’m stuck with you whining losers and I suppose you’re stuck with me too. So, listen here you old stick in the mud just because you’re a million years old and remember when a sheet with some holes cut into it was the “Neatest costume yet! Thanks, Mom!” and wouldn’t all the guys be jealous doesn’t mean that today’s kids want the same lame stuff you and at least six more generations wore. I’m surprised your fossilized self even lets kids on your lawn and for my money, a soccer mom is the scariest thing I can imagine anyway.
This gig sucks, Scabby
DEAR CRABBY
September 2017
Dear Crabby,
Everyone talks about the “kids today” but I have to share my most recent “adventure” with you and ask your opinion about whom we should worry about in reality. I was helping with a big weekend at our library here in town where we had all kinds of events, activities, and entertainment aimed at our neighborhood kids. I was dealing with kids young enough that their parents were there when suddenly the fire alarm starts going off. What do you think I got? Panic, pandemonium, chaos? No, what I got was a room full of little kids who lined up in a nice orderly fashion at the door waiting quietly to be led out of the room…and a room full of parents standing around like statues looking at me like I should make it stop rather than evacuate everyone per protocol. Now, lucky for us someone just accidentally set off the alarm, but I ask you who should we be talking about here? The kids or the adults?
Truly,
Senselessly incensed
Dear Senseless,
This is a trick question, right? You cannot possibly be surprised that some people are stupid and some kids actually listen to instruction. Because that’s what it is. The kids are being instructed in the appropriate way to behave in an emergency situation, and obviously, not by their parents for the description. I’d suggest their schools and sadly, but most likely TV. They haven’t yet decided that they can just ignore rules that are inconvenient to them, unlike their older counterparts.
Unsurprisingly unsurprised
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
August 2017
Dear Crabby,
What do you think of Google firing poor engineer James Damore for speaking his mind? Is there nowhere it’s safe to be a politically conservative male anymore? I think this was more about his political affiliations amongst a left wing company than anything else. Liberals taking their chance to stick it to us.
Proud to be me
Dear Over Privileged,
It seems to me that while it’s perfectly fine to be a conservative male in this day and age that isn’t really the problem in this case. See you can be conservative without everyone who doesn’t share your opinions being histrionic leftist liberals supporting socialism or communism. True facts. You can also be a man without being threatened by gender and/or sexuality. It’s amazing how this is possible. I know many people who actually are both conservative and male who don’t think that means they have to attack or degrade anyone who isn’t them or accuse people of being out of line for making them feel vulnerable for not being exactly the same as they are. Here are a few clues. Not everyone who’s more liberal than you are is a nut job or looking for a free ride. Not everyone who’s a conservative is a nut job who believes the world is going to hell if everyone doesn’t live by exactly what they believe to be best. See people are amazingly diverse and some even think and feel differently without being threatened by those differences. Heck, some even embrace them. The other clue is that you don’t have to be born a man to be reliable, smart, a go-getter, the best person for the job, or overly much of anything else. Some men…dare I say, real men? They actually enjoy and embrace the differences in experience; perspective, and thinking women bring to the table. I also imagine they are dating more than you and the dudes who think like you are. I know I’m pulling more women than you are.
Shut your cakehole,
Crabby.
DEAR CRABBY
July 2017
Dear Crabby,
Elon Musk is proclaiming the rapid approach of the fulfillment of the terrible warning that is the story of The Terminator. He’s flat out said that machines will be able to do everything better than people can. He believes we’ll all lose our jobs and that the government will have to pay people a living wage assuming the AI’s don’t just flat out declare war on humans. What can we do to stop this impending doom?
Flustered
Dear Flustered,
I have no doubt that all these fears are unfounded. We’ll never reach the point where machines and artificial intelligence will destroy us. I have little doubt that we’ll manage to destroy ourselves long before then. Personally, I’m surprised, given current affairs, that all the world hasn’t fallen to anarchy and chaos already and that we’ve plunged ourselves into another dark age where we’ve lost the ability to make even the simplest machines. So, there’s that.
Sleep Tight!
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
June 2017
Dear Crabby,
Isn’t it bad enough that they ruined a classic film like the Ghostbusters with that lame all chick remake? Now they’re talking about a bunch of hooey involving having the franchise address ghostbusting around the world. What in the name of all that’s holy is that all about? Why in the world would I want to pay money to see those girls playing like they know a thing about catching ghosts let alone a bunch of people in places like Korea or China going after ghosts from other cultures? Are they trying to completely ruin the franchise? I, for one, am unwilling to suffer silently.
Dear Insufferable,
I’m going to take a shot in the dark here and say that you’re a man over the age of 50? Maybe you reminisce fondly of the days when women stayed in the steno pool? Maybe Murray and Ramis are what first drew you to Ghostbusters after seeing Stripes? I’m guessing you
either didn’t see or didn’t appreciate another classic of that decade since you don’t seem too jazzed on exploring the paranormal of different
cultures. There are many answers to your question about what this is all about possibly including, but not limited to, creativity, a desire to share a vision, giving people of more the more marginalised variety the chance to play BAMF heroes, keeping a franchise alive, and making money. Which the last is most likely on anyone backing its mind. Why you might want to see it, I have no idea. You obviously don’t have any taste, any intellect, any sense of adventure, or any sense of tact. So, feel free to crawl back into your hole and leave the movie theatre free of your stupidity and stench so that the rest of us can enjoy something that could reasonably become a new classic…or a flop…either will be made more palatable by your absence.
Why do you people insist on contacting me with you petty concerns and poorly written drivel?
Belt Up!
Crabby
May 2017
Dear Crabby,
With Mother’s Day just around the corner, I wanted to do something special for my mom. I mean really special. I asked to take her out for the day. Just the two of us. I planned out a wonderful day of fun for us and when I told her about the plan and asked her to spend the day with me she was less than thrilled. I wanted to take her to see the matinee for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 followed by lunch at this nice little restaurant that has this killer Star Trek vibe to it with burgers named after characters and ships from the show. Then I wanted to take her to a day at Marcon to see the sites and maybe take in a panel or two, tool around the dealer’s room, maybe listen to some Filk, and definitely see the masquerade. She turned me down flat. Said she didn’t want to waste her Saturday watching a bunch of grownups play pretend and “at 36 years of age, Pat, the best gift you could give me would be to clean up your room, mow the lawn, make dinner and take your gaming group to someone else’s house for a change.” I’m heartbroken. Why doesn’t my mom love me enough to spend a day with me?
Heartsick
Dear Headache,
Your mother obviously loves you very much or she would have clubbed you like a baby seal by now. I know that I would have. If she didn’t love you then she wouldn’t let you live in her house and from the sounds of it not do anything a responsible adult would do. Buy the woman flowers for Mother’s Day like a normal kid, for God’s sake! She might want to spend the day with you, although, there is no accounting for taste. What she clearly doesn’t want to do is spend the day that’s supposed to be all about her doing what you want to do then returning home to cook for you and clean up your messes as normal. Really it doesn’t seem like too much to ask. So, stop blowing snot bubbles, pull your head out of that dark orifice of yours, and treat your mother right numbnuts.
This is why I never wanted children,
Crabby
April 2017
Dear Crabby,
Oh, my God! It appears that the future is going to be a rehash of all kinds of Eighties movies…good and bad. Russians are going to destroy us after all only this time their focus isn’t nukes yet, but give them time. They’ve already brought out and used a bomb four times more powerful than the MOAB’s the United States used. No, instead that futz president of theirs has taken robots with artificial intelligence that were being created for rescue work and is teaching them to shoot guns. His justification? Well, the creator says (whatever I want him to say) that it will improve their motor skills and decision-making ability. Who in their right mind is going to believe it can improve anything’s “decision-making abilities” when we’ve seen the increased number of mass shootings…obviously, that right there proves that it doesn’t mean knowing how to shoot makes you make better decisions! You know what else he plans to do with them? Send them to man the space station and colonize the moon! Okay, so let’s recap…he’s looking to create the Terminator and is likely working towards eventually either building a Death Star or just using the moon to the same effect. Oh, and don’t forget the mega bombs because he thinks Red Dawn was an excellent movie! Fantastic. If you don’t think he’s serious you missed the fact that he’s already replaced human greeters in the Moscow Metro with robots…yes, really.
Pair all that with advances in the scientific field to improve the growth of skin that is now looking towards growing skin, tendons, and ligaments on robotic bodies to improve the use and durability of the tissues for use in medical grafts along with the fact that we’re seeing evidence that Google’s Deep Mind gets aggressive when it’s stressed and I suddenly feel like the Eighties might not have been as full of foolish fears as I thought. Skynet? WOPR? HAL 9000? Is any of this ringing a bell with anyone else?
Where’s my fallout shelter?
Harry
Crabby
I really don’t want to know where your fallout shelter is, Harry. After all, I’m certain our government has a firm grip on the situation and failing that surely these folks have seen all those same movies and read plenty of Asimov and Clarke. So, really A.I.’s in all these places and roles? What could go wrong, go wrong, go wrong?
I’ll be on the beach with all the rum from here on out.
Crabby
Crabby’s FYI :These are all totally real news stories from the web…the robots are a program called FEDOR “Russia’s space-bound humanoid robot FEDOR (Final Experimental Demonstration Object Research) is being trained to shoot guns from both of its hands.”
The robots in the Moscow Metro? “Creepy blue-eyed robot ‘greeter’ replaces human staff on Moscow Metro in bizarre Russian technology drive. Metrosha – whose cousin went on the run from its testing ground last summer – will “greet passengers and lift their spirits” at the city’s main station”
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/creepy-blue-eyed-robot-greeter-9943492
The freaky skin thing? “Enter the stuff of nightmares – a humanoid cloaked in human tissue, which could be used to harvest muscle and tendon grafts.”
http://www.mirror.co.uk/tech/robots-clothed-human-flesh-could-9955138
And the big ass bombs…
https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/3340626/vladimir-putin-new-bomb-syria-airstrikes-video/.
March 2017
Dear Crabby,
They’re trying to give animals the same rights as humans! It’s ridiculous! I thought that them giving corporations rights was insane. Next, they’ll be trying to say computers are people too! Where does it all stop, Crabby? They’re taking our rights away and giving them to the animals and the businesses. What are we going to do in a future surrounded by a bunch of people who aren’t even human?
Trapped Like A Human
Dear Trapper,
If you were half as informed as you think you are then you would know that what is currently being petitioned to the court is the right of animals with a high level of self-cognizance to not be owned or detained without reason in unreasonable conditions. This is a far cry different from saying a corporation has rights. A corporation is not an entity possessing self-awareness. It is a creation held together by words on paper and run by people intent on making money. As for computers, if we every reach a stage where computers become self-aware enough to constitute personhood then I hold tightly on to the hope that they will be more intelligent, compassionate, and wise than we mere humans. Reading your letter makes me think that the chimps are probably smarter than you are anyway and I believe I’d rather live in a world side by side with citizens of a different species than with close-minded fear mongering idiots like you. Alas, for not ’tis but a dream.
Hoping for smarter animals,
Crabby
https://www.nonhumanrightsproject.org/litigation/
https://www.wired.com/2013/12/chimpanzee-personhood-nonhuman-right/
February 2017
Dear, Crabby,
January 2017
http://www.reuters.com/article/us-airbus-group-tech-idUSKBN1501DM
Dear Crabby,
What do you think Doc Brown and Marty McFly would say about how long it’s taken us to catch up with their tech? Airbus is finally getting us to the flying car! Why did it take so long for us to catch up, do you think? What do you think the next great break through for tech, reflecting what’s available in sci-fi, will be?
Sincerely,
Psyched
Is “Psyched” code for “In the psych ward”? I think that the first thing is that they wouldn’t say anything because they are, in fact, fictional characters unable to actually react. I do understand though if you’ve never moved past imaginary friends on to having real live people friends that this could be confusing. Second, you’re old and slow or you didn’t actually read the story you pointed me to. I say this because if you read the intent Airbus is proposing the vehicles will be used for it’s basically and Uber or taxi. That means instead of referencing Back To The Future from the 80’s, The Fifth Element from the 90’s would have been more accurate.
As for why it took us so long to make this break through it’s because it works like this much of the time. Someone has an amazing idea. They or other people then spend a lot of time, money, and effort figuring out how to actually make that work through a lot of grinding trial and error until they have a eureka moment of their own. Then they’ve got to sell that idea to someone else who will pay for it to be produced. This too can take ages until you finally find someone with the money, desire, and vision to do this and no vested interest in keeping the new tech from hitting the market and stealing the profits of what they’ve already put all that into.
Lastly, I sincerely hope that the latest and greatest invention that comes our way to revolutionize a way to get rid of stupid people. All praise to the Great One’s noodley appendage.
I sincerely hope you get hit by a flying bus.
Crabby
November 2016
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
Hollywhite has done it again. White wash. It happens far, far too much. Ghost In The Shell is starring Scarlett Johansson. Look, I’m as much a fan of Ms. Johansson as the next person but The Major is not a white girl. Look at what they did to Doctor Strange! The Ancient One is a Tibetan man – NOT Tilda Swinton! Last Airbender, Gods of Egypt… Is there anything we can do to get Hollywood to stop whitewashing films?
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/why-did-doctor-strange-ghost-884385
http://io9.gizmodo.com/ghost-in-the-shell-producer-says-fans-he-knows-dont-car-1788900269
Dear colorfully disappointed,
I agree that it’s ridiculous that Hollywood still insists on turning films with a focus on another culture or a major character who isn’t
Caucasian into one portrayed by people who look Caucasian. There is no shortage of talented actors of all races available if Hollywood would only give them a shot. This isn’t new though. Face the fact that it’s no more ridiculous than putting up pictures of a blonde haired blued man to represent a man born in the middle east, but people have been doing that for centuries. There is power in using something familiar to your audience to woo them to your cause. The more people you have power over the more money you can get from them. The more money and power you have the more choice you have in who you share that power with by including them. Those with the most are the ones that control equity, so ask yourself this– if there is no shortage of talented actors from all backgrounds then why aren’t there more on screen? The
answer is simply that there is still great of inequality in our culture. Is there anything we can do to change how these things are handled? Yes, but it means standing up for inequality where you see it and using what power you have to correct the situation, whether it be by using your voice or your money. A lot of times it will mean letting go of your comforts. Don’t go see that movie you were waiting for that they ended up whitewashing. Don’t let other people be marginalized in your presence. Speak up because my usual advice won’t work. The people who run Hollywood are often like roaches and killing them off is a never-ending process without bug bombing the whole place. Plus, they have really good lawyers. You wouldn’t believe how long a restraining order can end up lasting.
Right there with you,
Crabby
OCTOBER 2016
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
Recently Metropolitan Magazine posited that one of our 2016 presidential candidates is an alien, but nobody can agree on which one. Do you think it’s Drumpf with his orange skin and unnatural hair or Clintstone with her long trek to actual
human expressions and reactions? Maybe both of them are really aliens from separate races and they’re vying for our planet winner takes all? How will we fight off the alien
invasion? Do you think it will begin promptly on Inauguration Day or do you think if an alien wins they’ll wait to lull us into a false sense of security? Do you think they’ll try to wreck the country to weaken Earth’s resistance?
Fearfully Freaked Out
Dear Freaky,
Okay, first in a laundry list of comments in reply to your obvious instability is the fact that you’ve made it clear why so many people in other countries hate Americans. Don’t you think it’s pretty presumptuous that you’d assume that a) Aliens would come to America to start an invasion, b) that taking over
America would in some way weaken the rest of the world, and c) that an alien could possibly do more harm to our country than we ourselves are doing? As if anyone in this country would even notice if our president was an alien. Have you
actually not noticed the deterioration of our government over the last 75 years? That’s rhetorical because if you had I might possibly have a hope that if an alien were to be elected that someone else in the country might actually recognize it instead of considering drowning myself in a vat of caramel like a
candied apple this Halloween before I can see any more of this horror story unfold. In the meantime I suggest you lay off the trash magazines, stop binge watching the horror movies, and cut back on the psychotropics…in that order.
Quit trying to think,
Crabby
SEPTEMBER 2016
DEAR CRABBY
Dear Crabby,
My roommate keeps stealing my dice and miniatures. It’s worse than how my girlfriend steals my shirts! When I’ve tried confronting him he always says that I’m crazy and that what he took has been his for many years. We do both have quite a collection of gaming paraphernalia but, I’ve even started painting the numbers in my dice sets specific colors and painting my initials on the bottom of my miniature bases. You can see traces in the numbers on the die of the paint that’s been scraped out. The initials wiped off. He’s a really good roommate otherwise. Pays his half of rent on time, cleans up after himself, is overall easy to get along with. Since the direct approach didn’t work can you suggest something to help?
Sincerely,
Pulling my hair out
Dear Baldy,
Congratulations on being an adult. You went to your roommate and straight up confronted him. It didn’t work. So, you could regress to a toddler and grab your stuff back and have a screaming fit. You could go back to being a passive aggressive teenager and just start taking his stuff and your stuff back without saying anything. You could approach it like the recently graduated man child and threaten bodily harm if he doesn’t knock it off. You could kick him out on his can and lose what sounds like decent roommate other wise or you could just consider it a dry run for what it’s like to be married because shirts are just the start of things.
Good luck anyway!
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
July 2016
Dear Crabby
What do you think of the differences between the Harley Quinn of Batman: The Animated Series & The New Adventure of Batman, the Harley Quinn of Suicide Squad, and the Harley Quinn of Batman: Arkham Asylum? Are we going backwards in our recognition of women as superheros and not just scantily clad eye-candy?
Fuming Feminist
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Stinky,
Lower your blood pressure for just a minute. We haven’t actually seen the new movie for Suicide Squad yet, only trailers. Trailers can be deceiving. I thought Gosford Park would be funny. Margot Robbie is definitely hot in this role and the character is highly sexualized as the character is in Arham Asylum. However, isn’t it as important that we change our perspective to allow women to embrace their sexuality without tying it to anyone but, themselves? Pro-woman does not have to mean anti-sexy woman. The whole point is it being each woman’s choice what makes her happy and feel good regardless of other people’s thoughts or expectations. Honestly, what I find more disturbing is the suggestion by the newest trailer that instead of Harleen Quinzel making a decison (however bad it may be) to follow a life of crime to be closer to a literal abusive clown who she allows herself to fall in love with is that the choice is no longer hers and rather Harley Quinn is who she is transformed and molded into by The Joker. The same abusive fool but, now with all the power instead of just what Harley has given him over her. I find it much more offensive to have a woman with no choice guided by the will of a man and his twisting of her mind and emotion than I do to see a woman who makes horrible choices based on her own flawed character and if she wants to wear booty shorts and show lots of cleavage while she does so, as long as it’s her choice, I can in some way respect it even if I can’t support it.
Basically, I think you’re missing the bigger picture. The idea I see as important here is that female characters get to be as real as women are in real life. That means in all their amazing, flawed, wonderful, sexy or modest or asexual glory. Just like male characters should and more often do get to.
Glad we got to clear the air.
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
June 2016
Dear Crabby,
There has been a lot of hub-bub lately about the use of bathrooms and who should and shouldn’t use which ones. In all of this I think we’re missing a very important question…which bathroom should Diva Plava Laguna (the Fifth Element) be using? I mean I don’t personally care who uses which bathroom to relieve themselves, but when you start talking 6+ foot aliens who may have both sets of equipment or something totally different I can’t help being curious.
Sincerely,
Curious
Dear Dead Cat,
Like so many others that seem to be wrapped around the axle about where people go to the bathroom your priorities are really screwed up. If Plava Laguna walked into any bathroom I was in my first thought would be to swoon while trying to get an autograph. Second, I would give the diva some privacy and go about my business because it’s obvious that the singer didn’t end up in there to check the acoustics and I’m not an idiot. People and aliens just want to pee or whatever they do with some dignity and privacy. Anybody doing anything else in a public bathrooms issues aren’t about gender identity and yours shouldn’t be
either.
You people give me a headache.
Crabby
Dear Crabby,
I recently attended my first fan convention in Baltimore to see George R.R. Martin! It was a wild ride and I had a lot of fun. Only after the con was done and I had regained my wits it occurred to me…how can you in good conscience invite George R. R. Martin to a science fiction and fantasy convention when he should be writing that Winter book instead?!?! If you really loved us fans you wouldn’t tempt him away from his writing!
Woebegone
Dear Sad Sack,
Easy, not all of us are interested in those particular books. It may amaze you to know but, the man has written an awful lot more than what HBO has taken to reinterpreting for your visual enjoyment. Songs of Stars and Shadows, anyone? The Glass Flower, maybe? Geez, read a book!
I’m unimpressed.
Crabby
Dear Crabby
May 2016
Dear Crabby,
Imagine a world where Darth Vader is actually…Winnie-The-Pooh! I mean he’s sinister! Maybe he’s got Darkwing Duck under his command! Think of the terror…the destruction…the vile lunacy!!! All with a really cute bumbly sound. I really think now that Disney owns Star Wars that this is the cartoon that needs to happen. Wouldn’t you go see it?
Stunned
Stunningly Stupid,
I’m going to make a prediction here that you work in some kind of factory with heavy chemicals and poor ventilation. That is one of the craziest things I’ve heard in ages and if you follow this you see some of the crazy things you people send me. I have trouble picturing a round Darth Vader…Darkwing Duck does seem to fit better though…naw, you’re still an idiot.
What is wrong you people?
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
April 2016
Dear Crabby,
How cool is Fujitsu?!? They’ve created a technology that mixes hard copy paper and digital. With this we can highlight images or text then automatically digitize what they select and it can either be a flat page or the curve of an actual book. Can you imagine the number of things we can use that technology for?
Yours,
Technically Psyched
Dear Psycho,
Alright, smart boy. What exactly can we do with a mix of hard copy print and digital that we can’t just do by making it a digital document to begin with? Because I can’t think of all that many thing it would be helpful with as opposed to putting that time and energy they used to create this technology into something like say robotic applications to aid people who cannot move their limbs on their own. Possibly, the resources used could have been better spent creating a way to safely and practically clean all the junk the cesspool that is humanity keeps throwing into the ocean that keeps us all alive? Just saying…
Technically Ticked,
Crabby
PS ~ I don’t want you to be mine. I want you to go away.
http://www.nexpected.com/2013/04/a-new-software-that-turns-paper-into.html
DEAR CRABBY
February 2015
Dear Crabby,
There’s this guy I met in my cosplay group. He’s smart, funny, handsome in a Seth Rogan kind of way. I really, really like him but, I get tongue tied around him. I was thinking about
getting a group of us together and just giving him drinks until he can see how perfect we are together. Do you think I could aim cupid at his heart with this plan?
Smitten
Look, Smitty. Giving someone alcohol until they are unable to make an informed choice is never okay and despite the fact that they have found that alcohol produces the same effect as the so called “love hormone” Oxytocin the half life on alcohol is only until the morning after. If you’re lucky the only thing he’d wake up with was a hangover. If not he may consider gnawing off body parts to get away from you. If you can’t find your voice around him why don’t you try
writing him a letter or a poem for God’s sake? Buy him one of those boxes of chocolates so popular at this time of year. Wait until the day after Valentine’s Day and they’ll be half off. Just don’t roofie them and be prepared to take no for an answer.
You kind of disgust me.
Crabby
http://www.iflscience.com/brain/hugs-not-drugs-alcohol-and-love-have-very-similar-effects-brain
DEAR CRABBY
January 2015
Dear Crabby,
Why in the world would The Martian be put up for Oscars in the Best Actor and Best Picture in the Comedy categories? I mean really? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! It’s clearly a drama. It’s about being stranded on Mars and a group of his comrades risking literally everything to get him back. It’s a survival story! I just don’t understand how the Academy can put that under the title of comedy. It makes no sense to me.
Sincerely,
Confused
Dear Confused,
Well, I’d have to say that the most likely answer was that while the Academy desperately wanted to acknowledge the film Comedy was the category that Damon’s performance and the movie over all were most meritorious of.
http://www.salon.com/2015/09/16/matt_damons_staggering_meritocracy_lie_what_his_project_greenlight_blow_up_with_effie_brown_really_shows/
Dear Crabby,
I am in a relationship with a great girl. She’s amazing and the love of my life. We share so many things but, the one thing we seem to be having trouble sharing is our space. There simply isn’t enough room for all our books, dvds, cds, and collectibles. While our tastes are similar in genre they are very diverse in the actual subject matter. I for instance have a bitchin’ collection of premo Batman memorabilia. She on the other hand is a Marvel fanatic with a bent towards Hawkeye and now this thing with Coulson. I don’t get it but, I also don’t want to strain such a perfect relationship. Help! What can I do?
Yours,
Almost Perfectly Happy
Alright, Happy,
You seem like a decent guy and I get where you’re coming from. No matter how great a mate is nobody wants to give up or box up their treasures. So, here’s what you do. Put a moratorium on all conventions, collector’s shows, and shopping excursions for at least one year. Take all that money you would have spent…seriously, count it up…and put it in a savings. Use that money to move into a bigger place with enough room for everything because neither of you is ever going to be happy giving any of it up.
DEAR CRABBY
November 2015
Dear Crabby,
I desperately want to get the new tech I saw at the
Dusseldorf’s Cyborg Fair! They have implants that can not only light up under your skin in patterns but, they have implants that can monitor your bio information like blood pressure, pulse, etc. and send it out via blue tooth. How cool is that! The guys who’ve had NFC/RFID chips put in can do things like open car doors, interact with their smart phones…it opens up a whole new future! I just realized I’m bio-curious!!! I know my parents are going to freak but, it’s just who I am. How am I going to tell them? What tech would you most like to wear in your body?
Finally Free To Be Me
Dear Cyberman,
Oh, I’m sure your parent’s have already figured out that you’re a special snowflake. Parents always know even if they don’t want to admit it to themselves. What you need to make sure of is that you don’t alter something more than your physical appearance and capabilities. Personally? I’d consider laser beam eyes a real plus to make my death stare accurately named but, to each his own.
Make sure what you end up isn’t deleted.
Crabby
http://www.nrw-forum.de/en/events/science-fiction
http://www.bionyfiken.se/nfc-implantproject/
http://www.grindhousewetware.com/
DEAR CRABBY
October 2015
Dear Crabby,
I think I’ve found the love of my life. Oliver is so smart and creative! He constantly amazes me with the things he can do and make and he’s French! Right now he’s working in miniature but, I know he’s destined for bigger things and with me there by his side we will soon be taking the galaxy by storm! I just hope that a full size Millennium Falcon will be ready in time for the honeymoon. So, my question to you is this: How do you get a man you’ve never met but, know is perfect for you to propose?
Sincerely,
Flummoxed
Dear Deranged,
I take it, in light of the content of your email nattering, that you mean Oliver C the guy who does the super cool mods to drones? The guy who has put together mods to turn drones into the Millennium Falcon, Tie Fighters, The Imperial Destroyer, and now X-Wings?
While this is a worthy celebrity crush how about you start with “Hi, my name is _____. I’ll be your stalker this evening.” and lay off the wild mushroom pizza, yeah?
Truly disbelieving,
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
September 2015
Dear Crabby,
My kid just went back to school and it left me
thinking about my own school days as we compared notes on things he does now and things we did way back when. I was wondering exactly what scientific basis there is behind a number of the safety measures practiced and drilled in schools to prepare for disasters. My boy was telling me about how they did a tornado drill by having them all gather in the hall way outside their classrooms. This would make fine sense if I didn’t know for a fact that the hallway he’s talking about is capped at either end with big glass double doors at either end effectively turning it into a meat grinder should those doors shatter by the force of the wind or fallen trees…blown debris. It hearkened me right back to the brilliant drills where we hid under our desks to prepare for a nuclear event. So, can you explain what the thought process is here?
Bemused
Dear Bemused,
Your first mistake was in thinking that there are great minds thinking about policy. A dangerous and ill advised assumption. My best advice is to follow by example since this one is out of your control and just don’t think about it too hard. Let’s face it the whole thing is much like a Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner cartoon. Didn’t you know that a desk will protect you from a megaton force of
explosion and fierce heat? Until, of course, the blast passes and the building drops on you.
Next!
Crabby
August 2015
Dear Crabby,
Yesterday I got into a fight with my brother-in-law about the latest sightings of The Flying Spaghetti Monster and what they mean as his noodly appendages reach ever closer to the faithful. We’ve seen him deep in the ocean and on Mars proving he is everywhere as he watches over us. When I celebrate and show my faith by talking like a pirate my family becomes enraged. They are heavy believers in another religion and have called me a heretic and announced I will never be welcome in heaven so long as I believe in FSM. I know that I will see them all in heaven where they will be welcomed by all us pastafarians and FSM as we celebrate around the beer volcano. Unlike many other religions we know that we are correct and welcome all as their belief is appreciated, but not necessary, as they will one day see the truth for themselves. Still, their comments are hurtful. Can you suggest a way for me to bridge the chasm in our
relationships?
May his noodly appendage touch you.
Pasta Pirate Forever
Dear Noodle Lover,
Look, lay off the Captain Morgan. Rather than worrying about this issue why not just learn to let it be? Who says either of your imaginary friends are better than the other’s? If any of the “deities” out there can’t stand up to a little sticks and stones on the playground of the cosmos then their gonna get their butts kicked. How strong is your faith if you don’t believe they can hold their own? Personally, I’m holding out for a deity that offers endless fountains of coffee and chocolate and punishes the stupid until they stop being idiots. You and your family would be welcome after you were encouraged to see the endless errors of your ways. I do have to hand it to the Pastafarians though…the stripper factory is a nice touch and awfully tempting but, not while stupid people still roam free. Besides, who wants a deity with a limp noodle?
Take your imaginary friend and go home.
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
July 2015
Dear Crabby,
Comic-con has become nothing but a dumping ground of pop culture. Seriously, why is Bill Murray there? Whatever happened to this being about comic books?
Comic-con Confused
Dear Con-troll,
Do you read comic books or do you rely on other people to tell you what you know? While Rock The Kasbah isn’t exactly related to comics Bill Murray certainly is. Zombieland, Ghostbusters, and Little Shop of Horrors have all spawned comic books. Actors do in fact
promote their current movies with a goal of continuing to be cast and make more movies based on their popularity. The truth of the matter is that comics, books, television, and movies are all by their very nature entwined. They are all vehicles for us to tell and share stories. Everyone seems to want to complain because the stuff they love isn’t available in a wider venue and then when it is they want to complain because it is somehow sullied by being shared in a large scope. If everyone enjoys it then it must be garbage suddenly? Frankly, I think a lot of it just sounds like sour grapes over the “cool kids” trying to steal our identity. You know what? If you’ve graduated high school you should take a minute to look around and realize that there are no “cool kids” any more. There are a bunch of people set adrift in suddenly being grown ups with bills, jobs, responsibilities, and often very little idea of how to do all those things. One of the things that can bring us all together is sharing stories; giving us not only common ground but a way to empathize together. If it so happens that what seems to be the story style everyone wants and needs is fantastical in nature some how then maybe that says something about humanity. So, suck it up buttercup! You don’t like it go be
anti-social, complain about how nobody understands, and shake your fist at the world…just be sure to tip when you’re done.
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
June 2015
Dear Crabby,
George Lucas is doing it again. He’s messing with the Star Wars universe. It’s worse than the crap he pulled with the second
installment of movies. How can he give us something so powerful and then mess it up on a whim? He’s changed the rules of being a Jedi for some kid who wrote a sappy letter. https://youtu.be/Ta6a78WnrI8
What can we do to stop him?
Make it stop!
Dear stopped up,
Make him stop doing what ever he decides to with his own intellectual property? Where exactly do you think we live? China? Russia? Many places in the Middle East? I watched the video you sent me the link for. I’m not the worlds biggest George Lucas fan. He can by turns be amazingly generous and kind of a jerk when it comes to his films. Totally his prerogative and totally mine to discard or
embrace his public offerings. Not anyone’s place to tell the man what to do with his ideas so, bugger off! As for this particular change not only does it make me think better of George it cements my opinion that you are a heartless imbecile. He gave permission to an 7 year old boy that he could get married and also be a Jedi at the same time. How exactly does this impact you beyond your own fear of change and selfishness in holding onto something that isn’t yours instead of sharing it as it’s been shared with you? Furthermore it sounds like you might have delusions of being a Jedi yourself but, as the man said it is the Sith that think inward and only of themselves. Maybe you need to sit as padawan at young Colin’s feet and learn about the true way of the following the force for good?
Quite your whining,
Crabby
PS ~ I’d also bet all this fear and this insecurity rests in how small your light saber is.
DEAR CRABBY
MAY 2015
Dear Crabbie
I heard a bunch of folks being excited about a TV show from the 90s coming back. Is The X-files really the show anyone wants to see make a comeback? Isn’t this excitement over an old show from the same group that thinks Hollywood is devoid of new ideas and complaining constantly about how the good stuff never gets made? Why don’t we skip this old idea and spend that money on developing something new?
Not X-cited.
Dear Idiot,
First and foremost, if you are going to write to ask me anything spell my name right. I’m assuming you have read my column at least once before. As for the show’s return verses something new I would rather see something new if you could assure me it wouldn’t be crap like Sharknado. Since that seems to be the quality of most of what’s new these days I would much rather watch a small jump back to a good solid classic with the original stars. A flash of the continuation of a first rate story done in a short and classy way that won’t waste my time the way say someone like you does? I’m down with that. So, shut up and if you feel that strongly about it go contribute something.
X-cited to see you go away.
Crabby
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Crabby,
Where do you come down on the current conflict about the Hugo awards?
Curious
Dear Curious,
The same place I came down on this kinda’ of juvenile BS when I was in high school which is exactly where it belongs. I think both “sides” are a bunch of whining morons. “What I like is better!” “I’m more popular!”. They are all a bunch of feminine hygiene products that fail to make anyone feel fresh as a summer’s day. Grow up, please. Barring that at least stop inflicting yourselves on the rest of us.
So over it,
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
April 2015
Dear Crabby,
I work for a hot games company and I’m set to go for business in Tokyo soon. I want to stay at the Godzilla hotel but, the boss says no. How unreasonable do you think it is to ask to stay in a hotel where you can get a room with a giant statue of Godzilla looking in your window or a giant clawed hand coming through the wall? There is an entire wall showing decades of movie posters! It’s so cool! If I were your employee wouldn’t you at least let me stay there if I paid the difference between the average room rate and the cost of the Godzilla hotel? Check it out! https://youtu.be/EMgujv90Y1o
Seriously Bummed
Dear Bum,
No, I can honestly say that I would not let you stay there if you were my employee. I can also say that while I admire your enthusiasm for being a total geek that if you came whining to me about how you were desperate about spending your “off” time on my business trip you would be back in the mail room at best. Do you actually think that during a business trip to Tokyo you have anything resembling time not dedicated to closing the deal the business has already forked out the money to send you to take care of. If you want to spend your time in a city as rich, full, and exciting in substance as Tokyo in a room fondling lizards and things then I’m not sure you aren’t too much of a loser for me to send in the first place. If you want to spend your own time and money on a vacation to do such things I don’t want to know about it but, if you’re on my dime you be prepared to schmooze, woo, and otherwise amaze our clients.
If you’ll excuse me you’ve befouled my inbox and my brain. I suddenly feel the need to shed my skin so to speak.
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
March 2015
Dear Crabby,
There has been lots of talk recently in the fiction community about diversity, gender, and equality. I have a wide variety of acquaintances both male and female and a few are in various minority groups. I have come across a range of reactions and some of them I found surprising given the sources. Two of the most recent articles to make the discussion rounds through out the majority of the group was one about someone calling for an increase in the diversity of most people’s reading list by simply reading authors who are not white/male/straight/cis (meaning in this case males whose gender identity conforms to general social expectations of maleness) and one about how to write a strong female character and some of the pitfalls many writers encounter. At it’s most basic the second article boils down to write a strong character with imagination and empathy rather than focusing on their gender. There has been some positive discussion and a fair amount of support for these topics but there have also been a number of people who seem to feel that there is no reason for there to be such a big deal made out of these subjects. Rather some seem to be of the opinion that too much is made out of these issues and not everyone who voices negative opinions differs from the minority group. This strikes me as odd but as a straight middle aged white man I feel reluctant to jump too deeply into the debate even if I feel it’s in a positive manner. Would you be able to make any helpful suggestions?
Sincerely,
Witness to this gender fender bender
Dear Bender,
Bite my shiny….no, no, no…sorry. I went on autopilot there for a moment. You actually bring up an interesting and valid topic. Also, bonus points for being smart enough to specify a request for helpful suggestions. First and foremost you never know what another person has experienced to form their opinions. The key to most things is communication and empathy. If you can communicate what you think and feel and why then you have the chance to put yourself in the other persons position and empathize with what they feel and think based on those experiences. This leads to yet more communication. Pretty soon all kinds of problems fall by the way side and Agony Aunts like me end up out of a job. Oh, no wait…there are always people too stupid to follow even these specific directions. Never mind. Try getting your friends and acquaintances together in a relaxed social setting and see if you can get some respectful dialog going between them. If the topics are hot it should be easy enough to bring the conversation around to them. Never be afraid to voice a respectful opinion or ask a respectful question no matter your statistics. It is okay to be a middle aged white man who happens to be heterosexual as long as you’re not also a jerk. Anyone who shoots down your opinions or is offended by a sincere question based on who you are is willfully ignorant and a big part of all of today’s problems. That speaks to their insecurities and close mindedness. Tell them I said so if you like.
Pleasantly Surprised,
Crabby
http://whatever.scalzi.com/2015/02/25/reading-authors-not-like-me/
http://www.tor.com/blogs/2015/02/oh-no-she-didnt-the-strong-female-character-deconstructed
DEAR CRABBY
February 2015
Dear Crabby,
There has been a lot of talk recently about who to nominate and vote for with the Hugo’s open for this year. Particularly, there has been a lot of talk about it being a popularity contest and a lingering example of “the old boys club” mentality. A lot of people have put up lists of
suggestions of who to vote for in their opinion and some have helpfully listed works that they have helped publish that are eligible for nomination this year. I find all of it a bit overwhelming. Who do you suggest I vote for?
Sincerely,
Confused
Dear Concussed
Did you actually just ask me who you should vote for? Are you brain dead? How about you vote for who you’ve read and liked? Go through those lists of eligible works and read/listen/check them out. Then pick the one you think is best and vote you numskull. As for the rest -since when has anything based on nomination and voting not been a popularity contest? It’s kinda the definition, don’t you think? My only other piece of advice is this. For God’s sake whoever you vote for make sure they aren’t up against Beyonce. None of us need to hear another word out of Kanye West. Ever.
Pitying the unwashed masses,
Crabby
January 2015
Dear Crabby,
I am so sick of celebrities dripping in mainstream approval proclaiming how much of a geek they really are in a bid to seem cool to the fans of the movies they’re in based on sci-fi, fantasy, or comic book stories. It makes me sick how people like that think that they are due even more admiration than they have without having earned it. What do you think it will take to stop this foolishness?
Sincerely,
Fed Up
Dear Uppity,
Yes, there are people out there that are claiming to be what they are not. I think you may have overlooked just how far our geekery has come in its representation across all fronts. Contrary to your fear that all people in the media spotlight are just jumping on the geek bandwagon in the face of successes like the Marvel movies and the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit trilogy’s there are plenty of hot stars out there that have earned their claim to geekdom and have the geek cred to prove it. Let me give you some examples to store up in your little brain for the next time you decide to open your mouth on the subject.
- Vin Diesel – This studly action hero is such a geek that he had them paint his D&D character’s name on him as part of his character’s tattoos in his movie XXX. The man went so far as to help found video production studio Tigon Studios with the primary goal of developing video game adaptations of movies that are good from a gamer’s point of view as Vin is also a big video game fan.
- Danica McKeller – While this actress stared in many adolescent fantasies with her portrayal Winnie Cooper on The Wonder Years and is now helping kids to find ways to love math like she does with four books so far which have made the NY Times bestsellers list. Including one titled Math Doesn’t Suck: How to Survive Middle School Math without Losing Your Mind or Breaking a Nail. She graduated Summa Cum Laude with a B.S. in math from UCLA for
goodness sake and more impressively has her name on a mathematical theorem.
- Rosario Dawson – This smoking hot lady is a huge Star Trek fan and speaks perfect Klingon in addition to English and Spanish. More than that she loves comic books so much that she’s created her own comic called Occult Crimes Taskforce. She also founded Voto Latino only one of the many humanitarian organizations she’s involved in and I do mean many.
- Nicolas Cage – The man’s stage name is a tribute to Marvel Comics star Luke Cage and he had probably the largest celebrity comic book collection containing over 400 issues before he sold it at auction. The man is enough of a Superman fanboy that he named his second son Kal-El.
So, yeah…apparently hot, talented, famous, and geek are not in any way mutually exclusive attributes. Despite this small sampling I can assure you that the list of truly geeky celebs is a long and distinguished one. Don’t worry about the ones jumping on the bandwagon…any geek worth their salt should be able to verify their geek cred with a little research. Pretty girls and hot guys can like gaming, comics, genre television and books, science, math, computers, and all the other various and sundry things that make us geeks at heart…they can even be charming and socially graceful. Try to remember to breath in through your nose and out through your mouth while your tiny little brain tries to reconcile this information with what you’ve been telling yourself all this time. When you’ve done that embrace our geeky kin in all their configurations.
Seriously, why are you people still so thick? Do you not read the information I keep sending you in my replies?
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
November 2014
Dear Crabby,
The Internet is all alight with pictures and commentary about Kim Kardashian’slatest bout of public nudity. What does it mean to us as a society that a majority of people are literally more interested in and more educated about a pseudo celebrities birthday suit escapades than Rosetta’s monumental landing on a comet?
Despairing
Dear Despair,
Rosetta who?
Dear Crabby,
I am shocked and perplexed by the current tempest of feces exploding in the science/speculative fiction community online regarding Benjanun Sriduangkaewa.k.a. Requires Hate a.k.a. Winterfox. What happened and how do we support minorities in such a predominantly white male dominated venue while dealing with such hateful and damaging behavior?
Appalled
Appalled,
Why in the world would a feces fight in the monkey house of the Internet shock you? You’ve just described half of all the communication inspired by and done on the Internet. Please, don’t tell me that you expected there to be less of that in the sci-fi/fantasy community? Even you couldn’t possibly be that naive. Let’s take a few minutes examining a few of the key factors in this situation. A troll is someone who gets pleasure or increased feeling of self-worth by attacking other people… because they’re schmucks. The ease of this practice is increased by the distance offered by the Internet along with the ability to make yourself anonymous. It takes next to no guts to attack someone where they a) can’t pinpoint who you are to call you on your behavior in any meaningful way or b) punch you in the nose for being an ass. Now trolls have always existed and always will. Increased population of the species engendered by the fertile environment of cyber space. These people thrive on inciting people who either will blow straight up in anger or that they view as weak and easy to shut up/shut down/torment. Hopefully, this assists with your confusion.
As for how it should be handled. In my opinion the best way to handle these folks is to simply stop giving them what they want. They want a reaction. Either from the person they’ve attacked or from others joining the attack or defending the attacked. Ignore them. You can’t go away or stop posting because of them or they get what they want but if you simply don’t deign to answer their stupidity they will eventually get tired and go away. I’m not saying it’s easy to do but it is extremely effective and satisfying. It’s easier if you realize that these people’s opinions are of absolutely no value to you. Nobody who goes out of their way to be nasty to you in place of a civil conversation based on an opinion you gave needs to be heeded. You can reinforce this for others by sending them support outside of the public forum since within the public forum you give the troll what it craves…attention.
Last but, not least how does the writer at the center of this particular controversy need to be handled. Well, first thing that I would say matters is that the writer came out and apologized for much of her behavior admitting to a lot of inappropriate comments and acts and denying others. So, at least those parts are undeniably founded. I would also say it matters that the author is now associated with those words and actions. Those two things make it possible for the readers to make some kind of informed decision. I believe that you can say whatever you want but when it comes to a product or service your money and your vote matter the most. If you are offended don’t support her work. If you feel forgiving and positive about her work if not the garbage spewed then support her work. You get that choice just like she gets the choice to her opinions and expressing them as long as she doesn’t step all over other peoples rights. Stalking people (cyber or not) to harass them is stepping all over their rights. If you think you can maybe forgive and forget if she meets your standards from here on out then watch and see before you commit.
I would like to think we’re smart enough to take the minority status out of the equation. I don’t support people whose actions disagree with my morals. I vote with my money. I don’t go around telling everyone why I dislike/disagree with them but, I will share if you ask and I won’t recommend them to anyone. I don’t want to make it about minority status. I want to make it about talent and decency. So, I will. You don’t get my support just because you match my statistics.
It’s not really that hard folks.
Crabby.
DEAR CRABBY
OCTOBER 2014
Dear Crabby,
I am shocked, dismayed, sickened, and outraged to find out that yet another miscreant is trying to corrupt our precious children and push forward the gay agenda. Neil Gayman’s new childrens book is worse than that horrible Frozen movie going so far as to describe and illustrate two women kissing. What happened to the wholesome children’s stories of my youth? It’s disgusting the way innocence is being twisted.
Sincerely,
Disgusted
Dear Disgusting,
I really wish I could find a copy of this supposed agenda because really it’s just so hard to plan without these things. I have yet to be able to find one though. I’m still baffled at the brouhaha over Frozen too. I mean the girls were sister’s and nobody was screaming about the snow man’s phallic nose, right? As for The Sleeper and the Spindle, Mr. Gaiman’s new book, at least there I can see that the kiss is what’s got your panties in a bunch. Obviously, no women in you life have shown one another affection and it’s left you scarred. Fair enough.
I would question your perception of wholesome and innocent children’s stories though. The Queen in this book is based on Snow White who’s story is not exactly happy or wholesome. Did you forget the part where her jealous mother (or step mother depending on the version) wanted her heart cut out and brought back in a box by the woodsman? As a matter of fact pretty much if you went through and looked at the vast majority of the princess movies and then apply them to real life situations they’d be pretty freaking creepy. Someone bending over a young girl, who is more or less magically drugged, so that they can kiss her…no really it’s to help her out…she needs it. That reads like a text book example of a college date rape scene and pretty much occurs in both Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. We could skip to the whole Beauty and the Beast story…abusive boyfriend much? Separates you from your friends and family, tries to rule your life telling you what you can and can’t do, emotionally blackmails you with his need of you to keep on living. That’s very innocent, don’t you think?
Personally? I’m less worried about people like Neil corrupting our youth than folks with the small minds, short attention spans, and the strange morals that you have. I’d say that the only thing in your letter that can actually be called innocent is the kiss between the two main characters of The Sleeper and the Spindle.
PS ~ Was there a question in there anywhere?
Troll somewhere else,
DEAR CRABBY
August 2014
Dear Crabby,
I read an article that really disturbed me. There was an African American gamer who wrote a piece discussing the racism and racial exclusion in the gaming world at large, at Gen Con in particular. I disagree. I don’t care if he’s black or Latino or Asian or Indian or whatever. I only care that he’s a good gamer. Why would anyone feel that they’re not welcome in such an open and accepting community?
Sincerely,
Disappointed
Dear Dis,
I have no trouble believing that you are in fact disturbed. It’s wonderful that you feel open to gaming with anyone. That really is great. Good for you. To wonder why anyone would feel awkward or uncomfortable in a setting mostly made up of a combination of mostly white people, older people, and male people if they aren’t any, let alone all of those things? That’s just foolish and naive. Many women, regardless of race or any other element of their makeup that puts them in the category of minority, still struggle with feeling either safe or welcome in the same situations. That fight has been going on for ages and considering that pretty much everyone has women in their lives so, it should be easier.
That being said, I do believe a lot of people don’t see the issue because they truly feel that they are welcoming all people into their hobby and passion with open arms. There is a problem with the diversity of representation in the materials of gaming. The biggest obstacle I see to remedying this inequity within gaming is two fold.
Regarding games and source materials, how do we get more diversity in our products? Well, how much material for gaming is being offered by minorities of any flavor? Are they giving us a different view as an option? I ask if they are because if the white males are the majority of game producers then I’m not sure they should be creating material they don’t know anything about. The first rule of writing is to write what you know, right? Maybe some of them would be great at it…if they aren’t, how badly does this compound the problem? “Well, you have representation in the game…but it sucks and is full of unintentional clichés and stereotypes. Not because the person who wrote it meant any harm but, just because they’re clueless. It’s not the life they live.” Yeah, that would help. I certainly wouldn’t want to take that on. I have no idea what it’s like to live as a person of color. I have no idea what it’s like to be perceived as anything other than white in a country where that still seems to make a difference to many people. How do I do justice to that experience and what it means to the perspective of a character of color? Not to mention that my white bread background leaves me completely culturally bereft in background and what the differences in heritage should bring to the experience.
Then my next question is where are the minorities? We have some, but how and why don’t we have more than a few? How can draw more minorities to join us in the wonder of the world of possibilities and fantastic adventures we love? If we have more minorities who are part of the gaming culture doesn’t that give us a stronger base of people to help guide our events and planning and to design games and materials that help properly represent them?
So, then is the problem a cycle? Minorities don’t feel comfortable because they aren’t represented which leads to a lack of people involved to help provide the representation that will make them feel welcome?
I don’t know. I wish I had an answer, because like many people I want everyone to share my passions. I think everyone would love the worlds I’ve discovered and I’d love to discover new worlds where the experience isn’t guided by the sensibilities of folks with white Anglo-Saxon backgrounds.
So, someone smarter than me hurry up and figure this crap out already! The void is taking away from my having the full experience I wish to- fix it!
http://www.tor.com/blogs/2014/08/gamings-race-problem-gen-con-and-beyond
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
July 2014
Dear Crabby,
My friend was telling me that there is a new study researching how playing angry birds can
improve your health. Do you think it’s only games like Angry Birds or do you think first person
shooters will do the same thing?
Hopeful
Dear H,
It took me ages to figure out where you’d gotten this cockamamie idea from. I can only assume you are talking about the research going on at Georgia Tech where they are working with a system where kids with disabilities are using games such as Angry Birds to teach special robots how to play in order to encourage and make fun repetitive gestures and such for rehabilitative
purposes. You need to re-evaluate your friends, your listening skills, and probably your mental health.
http://dailycaller.com/2014/07/11/kids-teach-robots-to-play-angry-birds/
Hopeful you aren’t breeding,
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
June 2014
Dear Crabby,
The apocalypse is nigh! They’ve found a spacecraft full of zombies and it’s headed to earth! Get your shotgun and chainsaw ready!
Zombie Slayer
Dear Dead Head,
You’re an idiot…that’s with a capital I. It took me a minute to figure out that you weren’t just babbling but, were in fact babbling about something you were too stupid to understand. The “zombie spacecraft” is a spacecraft that we launched 36 years ago and instead of turning it off like we usually do someone screwed up and let the transmitter on. It wandered away and is now coming back in our direction. Since the transmitter is still on they are working on figuring out how to use the 36 year old tech on board to bring it back to us to see what we can find out from it. It isn’t filled with space zombies, that was just a name because of it wandering around aimlessly, but if it did I hope they’d eat you first…that way they’d starve from a lack of brains.
http://www.techsonia.com/famous-zombie-aircraft-isse-3-will-return-home-soon/1914517/
Guess this makes me the Dummy Slayer?
Crabby
——————————————————————————————–
Dear Crabby,
It looks like Star Trek is leading the way for us again. Verizon is working on glasses that will be able to help the visually impaired to “see” things by identifying them for them…things like color, currency, barcodes, and even familiar faces! It’s a mobile application suite that uses the Verizon 4G LTE network and smartphones with advanced cameras and sensors. Can you say Geordi La Forge? How long do you think it will be until they manage transporter tech?
Electronically Enticed
Dear Enticed,
Imagination has always led us. You don’t think it took imagination to decide that picking a fungus growing in rot or feces up and eating it might be good? The glasses and app. are very cool. It’s nice to see tech actually being used for something worth while instead of playing games and trying to be come the mayor of your bathroom or something. I somehow doubt that it’s going to quite turn into that painted banana clip we saw on LeVar Burton but, it is cool…I just hope it doesn’t drop like calls do and end with a cartoonish drop into a manhole or something equally tragic. It’s almost as cool as LeVar bringing Reading Rainbow back to us. As for transporter tech I don’t know but, it can’t get here soon enough for my taste. If you suddenly find yourself transported to the vacuum of space you’ll know that I’ve gotten it. Now stop bugging me…I’m trying to rewind my VHS tape of Reading Rainbow episodes.
Almost Amused,
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
MAY 2014
Dear Crabby,
The unthinkable has happened! There has been a freighter full of chemicals and dangerous products run aground on the Galapagos Islands. Given the already freaky mutations that have occurred there I foresee the start of the kind of horror shown in movies like Godzilla and the blob. This is why we have to stop the terrifying road we currently tread with all these so called “technological advances”. It’s unholy and unnatural. Do you think it’s too late to stop?
Witness to Righteous Revenge
Dear Self Righteous,
Somehow, I think you are probably up close and personal with unholy and unnatural. It’s always the ones that scream the loudest, ya know? I also think you watched a few too many B movies as a tot. What I don’t think is that there is any possible way that you could live without all these terrifying technological advances. I imagine you penned your rant while sitting in some new age cafe sipping over priced over doctored coffee and reading on your laptop. Is it too late? Only for losers like you. I hope you are attacked by a mutated galapagos sea lion in full rut with prehensile private parts because ah, irony. Creatures on this planet are already scary – watch a nature program.
Sensibly Yours,
Crabby
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Crabby,
Great news! IBM has managed to come up with a new class of polymers that are self-healing and stronger than bone! Isn’t that great??? They’re cheap to make (relatively), lightweight, and durable. Best of all they’re completely recyclable back to their starting materials. Isn’t that great! Imagine the things we’ll soon be able to make from such things. Not just the things regularly made out of plastics already but, things like emergency housing for places after events like natural disasters and war time destruction. Isn’t this great?
Bubbling with Excitement!
Dear Bubbles,
So, what you’re saying is you want to live in a giant plastic bottle? Have you always had dreams of being a ship?
Crabby
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Crabby,
After 80 years a theory about turning light into matter has finally found it’s way to being provable. The original theory was put out there by Gregory Breit and John Wheeler back in 1934. The idea being that by smashing two photons together at a high rate of speed an electron and a positron could be created. Well, now with modern tech three physicists working at Imperial College in London think they’ve worked out a relatively simple way to prove the theory. Isn’t that amazing? Can you believe the things we’re finding ourselves able to do by relative leaps and bounds? Imagine being able to come one step closer to proving how the universe could have been created.
http://www.redorbit.com/news/science/1113149146/decades-old-theory-light-into-matter-proven-051914/
Positronically Psyched
Dear Psyched,
I hate to make light of the situation but, does it matter?
Crabby
DEAR CRABBY
April 2014
Dear Crabby,
I heard recently that the syphilis channel will be putting a weekly show on about “geek culture”. Can this possibly be worth it after all the ways they’ve gone wrong? Can they possibly do better than a couple of minute segment from Sci-Fi Buzz back in the day?
Buzzing with Anger
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Buzz,
First and foremost Harlan Ellison(tm) is a force unto himself and has to be side lined for this conversation. The man is a master.
That said I am of two minds on this. One is that Syfy screws up everything. It is possible that they are “under new management” to an extent where they can rediscover their roots and actually take an interest in sci-fi once again. Monkeys could also conceivably fly out of my butt in the right circumstances. On the other hand if anyone can pull this particular simian out of said orifice it would be Will Wheaton and his child-like love of all things geek.
So, I say turn the dial down on that rocket you’re riding Buzz. Watch and see. Give it a chance and your support and if it sucks we can always retain the right to bitch and moan about how there is never anything good on.
Pass the aspirin.
Crabby
For your reference: Wil Wheaton’s post about his new show is here http://wilwheaton.net/2014/04/the-wil-wheaton-project/
And I’m talking about Harlan Ellison(tm) from his
segment in the 90s here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtdEIG5OTjY
(just in case you want to see how the master of ‘crabby’ works it out).
For the record, I really hope Wil’s show is crazy
successful and lasts for many years to come (and is
accessible on the internet not just on cable TV).